This paper is divided in to the following parts
Throughout our lives there have always been those people whom we’ve seen that seem to have “it” all together. “Guys who seem to have been born with a silver spoon in their mouths, to whom things come easily and naturally.” “Guys who are financially successful, good looking and have lots of women friends.” I used to watch guys like that and wonder why all those women flocked around them and I was so lonely. I used to wonder why they got to do all the fun stuff and I was so lonely. I used to wonder why they were so lucky and I was so lonely. I used to wonder why they were born winners and I was so lonely. I used to wonder why I was so lonely.
I mean I was a nice guy, I would make some girl a very nice boyfriend or husband. But all the women I wanted to meet were just idiots and didn’t realize that I was such a nice guy, if they’d just get to know me!!
In college, next door to my dorm room, lived one of these “born with everything” kind of guys. Groups of women were always visiting his room, it seemed like he always had a date on the weekends, he was popular with all the ladies. When we walked into the dining room he always sat with lots of nice and good looking women, I mean he had it all. Meanwhile, I used to wonder why he was so lucky, why he always had a date and why I had so much free time on my hands.
Six months later that had all changed. It didn’t happen overnight and I didn’t have a girlfriend. But I did have about 8-10 close friends who just happened to be nice wonderful women, a few of whom were very good looking women. And to top that I had lots of other friends, not as close, but certainly friends who I could hang around with whom also happened to be women.
I also had quite a few more guy friends. And within 2 years I was having trouble fitting my social life and my dating expenses around my other commitments. All this from a guy who basically used to have the attitude that he was a loser in the social area.
But here’s the interesting thing. The only difference between the lonely kid in the dorm room and the kid with lots of women friends and a very active dating life was that someone sat me down and basically taught me some key things. The only difference between then and now is that I had acquired some new information. I didn’t get plastic surgery to fix my face. I didn’t go out and develop an Arnold Swarzenegger body, and I didn’t get filthy rich. I just learned some very vital information and attitudes and then applied them. But it wasn’t a magic wand, it wasn’t a magic spell, it didn’t work overnight and it took a little while to learn to do it right. And it wasn’t some big secret, it was some simple everyday stuff that some people just never seem to have learned. It was just a lot of common sense that for some reason didn’t seem to be too common.
This paper was not written to change your personality, it was written to help you have a comfortable and satisfying social and dating life. Some people do not want to be social successes, this paper is obviously not for them. This paper is not intended to make people what they don’t want to be. It is directed towards men who do want to change their social life, who do want to have more women friends, who do want to be more accepted by “the group.” This paper is not intended to make you a social butterfly or the local “stud” (but it can do those things if applied to the extreme, which I hope you don’t do).
(Note that this paper does not talk about maintaining a relationship once you have it, that is a whole different volume. Interestingly enough you will eventually find out that maintaining a relationship is much more work than getting into a relationship).
Secondly, this paper is aimed at men at all stages of social acceptance. You may be someone with lots of casual women friends but just don’t know how to ask them out. You may be someone who has no real friends at all, and are lost as to what to do. You may be someone who’s lived a very sheltered life and or have just moved to a new city and now has to make new friends all over again. Whatever the case, you can learn and glean things from this paper, if you are willing to apply these guidelines.
Third, the steps and observations in this paper are not a creation from someone’s mind. The steps and actions I ask you to take in this paper are merely the documentation of what most socially successful men already do. These men were lucky, they learned these things while growing up, from their sisters, their older brothers, their fathers and their friends. I wasn’t that lucky, I’d grown up in a different culture, where dating wasn’t common. So I had to sit down and study why some people were socially successful in the American culture and others weren’t. I had actually learned a lot of “half-truths” as I grew up, and I had to reason out these “half-truths” and find out if & why they weren’t true. These were half-truths like “it doesn’t matter what your appearance is, it’s your mind that counts.”
Unfortunately American society almost dooms the people who haven’t learned social skills or who absolutely believe these half-truths by the time they are in college. Why? Because no one is around to teach them otherwise. This paper is here to undo as much of that as possible.
In this paper, there are a few things that I will talk about that may seem to be contrary to what you’ve grown up believing, or contrary to what some people tell you. But if you take the principle and un-biasedly study it, you will find that it works and it is true. These aren’t concepts deduced over night, they are tested principles and they will work 80% of the time. I say 80% of the time because there are always exceptions to any rule. However most people who fail won’t fail because these guidelines don’t work, they’ll fail simply because they won’t take the time to learn to apply these guidelines properly, or they’ll fail because they won’t have the motivation to apply the rules fully and they will only half heartedly apply them.
The other reason people may fail is because they expect these guidelines to work overnight, and they give up after a single try. These guidelines won’t work overnight! It takes time and it takes practice. The first time you try something, it will give you only a bit of success, but the real success will only come after you have fine tuned your actions. For instance, you can blindly follow a rule book on how to swim. But you won’t even become a “good” swimmer just by following the instructions, it takes practice and fine tuning of your abilities and your skills. This is exactly the same when it comes to social skills. Some people are lucky and learned these skills naturally as they were growing up (just like some people learned to swim naturally), but a lot of people like you and me haven’t learned social skills naturally, and somebody has to or had to teach us.
Also don’t be deceived; some people say, “How can just following a set of guidelines guarantee success?” Well it doesn’t guarantee success, but if you do them your chances of success are probably increased 80 to 1. But if you don’t do them your chances of success are exactly what they have been up to now (in my case that used to be a 0% chance of success). You decide which option you want to take.
Also remember that there are other methods that work, but just because another method works, that does not mean this method is wrong. There are usually more than two ways to solve a problem. Again remember that there are always exceptions to every rule. Some strange and lucky coincidences happen to 1 in 100 people. But if I’d sat around waiting for my 0.01 chance to occur I’d still be unsuccessful (socially and financially and career-wise) and worst of all, I’d still be a nerd.
The 1/100 chance
It’s interesting to notice how some people think that they are special and that a one in a hundred chance will happen to them. But if you ask them if they have ever been special before in their lives, they’ll say “No.” So we have to ask ourselves, “What makes us so special that this 1 in a hundred chance will happen to us when it hardly happens to anybody else, and when it hasn’t happened to us up till now?” When have you ever been consistently lucky before in your life? And if you were so special, it makes no sense why you would be dissatisfied with your loneliness or the lack social acceptance right now? So the message is, don’t wait for something magical to happen against all odds.
Only in movies and books do the people who play against the odds win. In real life, the people who win are those who play with the odds. Even the real life “against all odds” success stories when studied indicate a consistent committed pattern of doing those things that would bring success. Take Thomas Edison, who invented the light bulb against all odds. He tried about 9000 times or more to create the light bulb and failed. But each time he failed, he used what he had learned to try the next time. And each time he failed, he spent time with the other scientists around him and learned all he could from them (OK, he did steal some of their ideas as well, but that’s another story…). Thus each time he tried it, it was different from the last time. That is called playing with the odds. Eventually the odds become 1:1. Is that what you are doing? Or are you trying the same old way over and over and over again hoping that out of blind luck one of your same old tries will accidentally work? It is only in movies and books that people who play against the odds win. This is reality, play with the odds. Don’t plan to lose. Besides, one definition of a mad person is someone who tries the same thing over and over again hoping that one of the times, the outcome will be different. Don’t be mad.
So How do You Play with the Odds?
How do you play with the odds? You do what successful people have tried and tested and succeeded at. You study what successful people do. You cut down the chances of making mistakes. And you try more often. And you try different methods, different ways of approach to the problem, lots of different ways of approach!
Social acceptance is a slow and gradual rise. But once you have achieved it, you will usually keep it. So it’s time to start trying a different approach.
The World and Reality
And finally, this paper is not here to tell you the way the world should be. It is here to tell you how to adapt and achieve your success socially in the world the way it is. We cannot always change the world, yet we can adapt (without compromising our spiritual and moral values) and succeed socially in this unfair world. It is possible to succeed. Most people don’t because they’ve never been taught how. The successful people in the world are successful because they have learned the way to be successful, they weren’t born that way (even though it may seem that way). They have learned what it takes to make things happen and they do that. They don’t waste time wishing people were more noble or less discriminatory. They find a way that gets results with the people who are discriminatory, they get results in an imperfect world. Then when they are in a position of influence they can then change the world.
The other thing that might happen is that your lady friends may read this paper and some of them may disagree with parts of it. That is OK. That doesn’t mean that this is wrong. It only means that those ladies don’t fully understand themselves or that that one lady is really pure and unbiased and she is not the norm. But this paper is all about dealing with reality.
The average human being is a very biased individual who bases a lot of his or her impressions on the visual and the perception of popularity. Most every girl likes to think that she is unbiased and looks only at the inside of a man, not the outside. But this is idealism. Remember that most people imagine that they are a whole lot more noble and accepting than they really are. The information in this paper works, and it works in the real world, which is an unfair and biased world. And most of all, I know that this works because it has worked for many others, especially me, the least likely of all men to be socially successful.
Be Willing to Learn from People Who are Successful
Throughout this paper I refer to books or concepts written by other successful people. As I’ve said before, if we want to be successful in anything, spiritual, social, financial, or even athletically, we have to watch those people who are successful and see what we can learn from them. Athletes will spend hours learning and watching how to run or play basketball from someone who is successful at doing that, and everyone believes that that is necessary. But very few people are willing to do that in the other areas of life. If we want to be rich, we should study the actions of a financially rich man and see what we can apply to our finances. Or better still, we should study what he did while he was becoming rich and what he did to become rich. If we want to be social successes, we should watch what the ‘well liked people’ do and see what we can apply to our lives. If we want to learn to build houses, we don’t go to a man who knows nothing about houses, nor would we go to a man whose houses all fall down within a few years. Nor should we imagine that we could build a house on our own. We should find the best house builder there is and be an apprentice for him. And if that is not possible, we should watch how he builds his house from a distance and apply what we learn. Life is exactly the same. We have to be willing to learn from people who are successful.
One of my prayers has always been that God would let me learn from the pain that other people experience when they fail, so that I don’t need to experience that pain myself. The way I see it everyone else’s pain is a chance to learn something. (Unfortunately or fortunately while allowing me to learn from other’s pain, God has also let me learn from my own pain).
By now, some of you reading this paper may well find that you know and agree with the next few sections. That’s excellent, but do hang in there, the last two sections “What is a woman” and “How to ask a Woman out on a date” are what this whole paper is keyed to. You may be able to skip section 2, but my recommendation is if you skip it, come back and read it after you’ve read through this paper once. Because you’ll never succeed in your quest to be socially successful until you master section 2, and you may never know what the real issue that may be haunting your social life is until you evaluate yourself.
How to use this paper
Do not just read this paper once through and then toss it out thinking that your life will change with one reading. That is a pipe dream. It is going to take a lot more to change your habits and your insecurities and your fears. It is going to take repeated reading and repeated actions. No one changes overnight unless they come face to face with God. All other changes in life are gradual and need motivation. Thus I recommend that you read and reread this paper at least 15-16 times over the next few weeks. And each time you read it, picture yourself doing the appropriate things. See yourself taking the action and then try and visualize the result of the action, and what problems you might face when trying to do that. Architects always picture the building in their mind, and then put it to paper and then build it. In the process of visualizing and planning they identify the problems and the solutions to those problems. You have to do the same thing here. Life isn’t easy. It is work. You have to work to succeed. A good golfer visualizes the swing he’s going to take, sometimes long before he even hits the greens. Practice makes perfect, even visual practice.
Let’s take an example. In the next section I discuss not having to be born “good looking”, but then I say “but you do have to look sharp.” Now here what you do: ask yourself “How do I look sharp?” Visualize what you think it takes to look sharp. Can you see yourself doing that? Can you feel comfortable in such a situation? Why not? What if it guaranteed you social success? Then compare what I say later about how to look sharp. Visualize if you can do that? Why not? etc.
Why is visualizing important? Visualizing is important because if you visualize something, more often than not, you will be able to visualize any problems associated with that action. When this happens you can also attempt to solve those problems by looking for more information as you read. You will read and remember more effectively because you have a purpose behind your reading.
Visualizing also allows you to start to break down some of the barriers behind take certain actions. You may also feel less inhibited because you have seen the overall picture before hand. All good athletes and painters and workers visualize the final result or product as they work.
Do note that I am not talking about some sort of “New Age” visualization. They believe that visualizing impossible things make them real. This is not that, I’m talking about visualizing things you are about to do so that you can evaluate what it is you are going to do before you do it.
If I may, I recommend that you start applying this material right away. While you have enthusiasm for it. Immediately start going through your closet and your clothes to decide what you need to get rid off, decide when you are going to go out and buy the books I am going to ask you to read. Start ticking off mentally the women friends you do have etc. Don’t wait for a special occasion, it will never come. Start now and start with vigor.
I also recommend that you make goals for yourself as you go along. For example, I talk about reading Dale Carnegie’s book “How to win friends and Influence people”. If you would, make a goal like: “I will read and review 1 chapter in Dale Carnegie’s book by the day after tomorrow.” Then do it!
If you diligently follow the actions in this paper, not only will you get an awful lot out of this paper, but as Zig Ziglar (a famous motivational speaker) is so fond of saying: “This paper will get a lot out of you.” That means that inside you is a lot of potential. Inside you is an eagle (to use an old cliché) that just needs to spread its wings. This paper can pull that all out of you and let the world enjoy the real you.
Making this all automatic and an innate part of you
As we go through this all, you may be intimidated by all the areas that have to be considered. For instance, in the Clothes Section you may wonder how you’ll remember all this stuff and you may get overwhelmed. But don’t get discouraged, while at first it will be tough, if you reread that section and go down the list while you get dressed the first 5-10 times, all the little concepts and guidelines will start to become automatic and you will be able to do it all without even thinking about it. Just like the first time you learned to drive a car. You had to worry about shifting to the right gear, letting out the clutch, giving it just the right amount of gas—-whooaaa stop, waaaatch out for that pole. But now you can shift gears, let out the clutch, stomp on the accelerator, steer to avoid the pothole, roll down the window, chew gum, plug in your seat belt, listen to music and talk to someone in the passenger seat, all at the same time. So hang in there, all this will become automatic in a short period of time.
And now while you may think it is corny, let’s see if you remember any of what I’ve just told you:
Mentally answer the following questions in the spaces provided (if you don’t know the answer, go back over the previous text):
2. How do you play with the odds? One way is to watch how other people have s______ in that area and l____ from them.
3. Can you change over night from a social outcast to a social success?_________
4. Will this paper show you how to change the world to fit your expectations?_______
5. This paper will show you how you can a____ to the unfair world. Not have unreasonable expectations of it.
6. Learn from Successful People!!! You do this by r____ their b____s, watching their techniques. Successful people are all around you. Watch how the socially successful people act in public. How they make friends. See what you can apply yourself.
Three Very Important Principles
There are three very important principles that we must understand before we go any further.
1. Principle One: First Impressions
Subconsciously, the first impression is usually all a person uses to decide if they want to get to know you better. And don’t act like an unrealistic person and say, “if that’s the kind of person they are, I don’t want to know them anyway”; because you also base your concept of a person on what your first impression of them is. Yes, it’s done subconsciously by over 95% of the people. It’s human nature and YOU AND I DO IT TOO! (Now most of the time once you get to know a person, you learn that your first impression was all hogwash. But the fact remains; most people use their first impressions to decide if they ever want to know a person better. Is this stupid? You bet it is, but that is life, that is reality).
Now note that I did not to say that if you have made a bad impression on someone you could never recover. Far from it. If you are forced by circumstance to interact with each other often enough, then you will certainly get a chance to compensate for a bad first impression. Note that you will usually have to work extra hard to make up for the initial bad impression. But on the other hand if you only see each other across a room or have no real reason to spend time interacting with that person, then you may never get a chance to correct the first impression. Why? Because based on that first impression, they may never go out of their way to get to know you.
So remember subconsciously the first impression is usually all a person uses to decide if they want to get to know you better.
2. Principle Two: Similarity and the Comfort Factor
People always feel more comfortable around people who are most like them. Let me repeat that. People always feel more comfortable around people who are most like them. Let me explain. Most individuals who hang around together have something in common, be it their attitudes, their goals, their hatred of a common person or system, their love of a common person or system or whatever. To fit in with a group of people you have to find something in common with them. But that is not enough. They have to recognize this similarity and feel comfortable. A lot of times you’ll notice that certain groups have the same interests. It’s rare that they all developed that interest after they joined the group. Chances are that they joined or formed the group because they all had the same interests before hand.
So what’s the point? The point is, if you want to join a group, find some common ground, or create a common ground. Dress like them, learn their interests, find out what excites them, find out what motivates them and see if you can learn about that too. Then when you’ve decided that you’re interested in that too, you will be accepted a lot more easily. The more points in common that you have, the better your chances of success. This especially works when making friends with women. The more comfortable she feels around you, the better your chances are of having a rewarding friendship. If you dress differently or speak differently than her friends, you will be fighting an uphill battle. I’m not saying that it is impossible, but the odds are against it and don’t play against the odds. Don’t plan to lose! Life is tough enough without us stacking the odds against ourselves.
Now once you have joined a group and are accepted, then you can start influencing the group and changing things. But until then go for the similarity factor, it works.
3. Principle Three: Consider the effect your actions are having on those around you.
This is probably the most important rule for most of us men. Learn this and you’ll see a night and day change in your interactions with women.
One of the hallmarks of a person who is not socially successful is the fact that he does not ever consider the effect his actions are having on those around him. The next part of this paper will deal with this principle in great detail. But in general we need to be always considering the other person. Are we being too pushy? Too rude? Too loud? Too obnoxious? Too opinionated? Too wishy-washy? etc. Now obviously this can be taken too far. But until you are socially successful don’t worry about taking this too far. Right now worry that you are not considering enough the effect your actions are having on those around you.
Notice that “our actions” can also include the way we dress, the way we react to something, the way we listen to someone etc.
Again, let’s review (as corny as it sounds, this review actually works to remind you what we’ve covered).
1. People always feel more ____________ around people who are most _____ themselves.
2. So if you want to i_______ the odds of being accepted, be similar to the people you want to get to know. You can emphasize your individuality after you have been accepted. Yet, be sure that you do not compromise your moral values (see the footnote).
3. We must at all times consider the _______ our actions are having on those _______ us.
Now having covered all that, I have two more items I’d like to discuss:
Back to my personal journey and my change from ugly duckling to social “machine.” What was the biggest thing I had to learn? I had to learn to change some of my attitudes. My attitudes towards women, my attitudes towards myself and my attitudes towards life. I had to get rid of some half-truths that I had blindly believed in.
In this section we will discuss those attitudes and evaluate if they need to be changed.
Good Looks vs. Good Grooming
Do not buy the lie that you have to be born good looking to be a social success. Men are lucky in that they do not need to be “beautiful” to be handsome. But you do have to have pay attention to your clothes, your hair, your body and so on. You don’t have to be beautiful, but you do have to look sharp.
It’s the difference between Good Looks and Good Grooming.
One you are born with, the other you can learn. In my experience, Good Grooming is far more important than Good Looks (let me assure you, this is not a feeling I have, or a belief I have, it is a result of experience and examination). If you feel that you aren’t good looking, take heart, you don’t need to be (yes, I know, you think this is something your mother or close friend would say because they are biased towards you, but remember I am speaking from pure experience). We will discuss the details as we go along.
Whatever standard you impose on the people you are interested, impose higher standards on yourself, for example:
If you are attracted to a nice, well-dressed woman, make sure you are sharply dressed and more.
If you are attracted to a well-mannered woman, make sure you have the excellent manners of a gentleman.
If you are attracted to slender fit woman, make sure that you are not fat, but are physically fit and healthy.
If you are attracted to intelligent well-rounded women, make sure that you are intelligent, well rounded and well read.
If you are attracted to interesting and dynamic women learn to be interesting and dynamic as well.
If you are attracted to women who have goals and are committed to causes and have values, make sure you are the same way. Don’t be half hearted about what you do, whether it is at work, or at play, or at life.
Need I go on?
The Hypocrite in Us
One of the biggest lies I see people believing in is that if somebody is going to like them, they have to like them the way they are.
Being romantically attracted to someone means you have to be emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically attracted to her. Physical attraction is a normal healthy requirement; don’t accept the lie that this is unimportant. It is also important to most women as a first step to evaluating if they want to get to know you better.
Here’s an example. Joe Schmoe is about 40 pounds overweight and it shows. He also doesn’t dress well because he feels that a woman should like him for his personality, not his looks. He says he doesn’t want a “materialistic woman.”
But here’s the kicker, throughout my life I have noticed that Joe Schmoe is never interested in the women who look like him (overweight and sloppily dressed). He’s always interested in the women who are slender, and dress stunningly. Thus Joe Schmoe has never in his entire life taken a second glance at a woman who like him, is overweight, but in his arrogance he believes that he should be graded on an easier scale. Why doesn’t Joe Schmoe apply the same criteria to himself as he applies to the women he is interested in.
Now, I’m not only talking about people I’ve seen, I’m talking from experience. Years ago, I was a nerd, I dressed like a nerd, I acted like a nerd and I thought like a nerd. But I was never interested in nerdy women. I thought, “Why should I dress up, because if a woman is going to like me, she’d better like me and not my looks.” But in the mean time I was only interested in the women who looked nice, dressed nice and acted like they had style and class. What a two faced hypocritical loser!
Do you see my point? You can’t have double standards!!
Note that I did not say that if you are a few pounds overweight you won’t ever be romantically accepted. No, far from it. But you reduce your chances for success if you are overweight (sad but true. Now if this was a perfect world with perfect people then nobody would even subconsciously judge on appearances. But then if this was a perfect world with perfect people, no one would be overweight either).
If you can’t reduce your weight or any other shortcoming, make up for it in another area. For instance: develop a very dynamic and charismatic personality. Or develop a super positive mental attitude so that people get a charge out of being around you. Or develop a leadership attitude. Whatever it is, have a some strong points to offset any weak points.
Now the learning and fixing process starts. The first part is to evaluate if you have any double standards and see if you can stop them from limiting you.
A double standard could be (I’ll repeat a few of the ones I described above)
b. Or you like women who look athletic, but you don’t look athletic.
c. You like intelligent women, but you never read books to expand your knowledge.
d. You like women who dress well and spend time on their appearance, but you look like a slob.
e. You like women who are outgoing and charismatic, but you hate social events and don’t seem to want to make an effort to fit in.
If you can think of more, write down where you feel you may have a double standard. Think about an attitude or trait that you don’t have but are looking for in a woman. Note I’m not talking about complimentary traits – that’s where one person in a relationship has a skill that compliments the other person in the relationship:
I feel I have a double standard in these areas:
Now look at these double standards…. How do you plan to change them?
The next thing to do is to stop that shortcoming and fix it, visualize the fix. E.g. I will start to pay attention to the way I dress, to my attitude, to the way I condemn or criticize people etc.
How do you offset a shortcoming?
What are some of your weak areas?
How do you fix these areas?
What is image and what does it have to do with social success? I am so glad you asked because image is very important. Let me use an example to explain:
Given two men, Man A is a wonderful, loving, well dressed, sensitive, financially stable man, but he has one added thing, he has the image of success. He talks successfully, he fully expects to be successful, if he fails he merely chalks it to experience and tries a different method, he inspires success in others, his attitude radiates success, he is always pushing his friends to be successful.
Man B is a wonderful, loving, well dressed, sensitive, financially stable man, but he promotes an image of mediocrity, or an image of not being very successful or does not exude an image of being interested in doing things right, he sort of bumbles around.
Now given the average woman, trying to decide if she wants to seriously date either of the two, she will usually chose Man A. But here’s the kicker, there is really no difference between the two except for the image they have portrayed.
But what is worse is that if she was friends with Man B, and maybe even eventually starts dating him, she may always wonder if he’s the best she could have gotten. That’s unfair to both of them.
Here are 7 crucial steps. Memorize them, write them down at least 10 times.
2. Always admit your mistakes if you make one, but don’t assume that you’ll mess up naturally. I.e. don’t say things like, “of course knowing me, I’ll probably mess it up.” Again remember, Girls don’t want to date or marry losers! They have to be secure in their future. They want a capable man. Not a bumbling fool. Don’t give them that image or they’ll run a mile.
3. I have found the following area to be very important to most women 20 and up. They feel that it is a major turn off if a man has no direction in his life – i.e. if he has no idea what he wants to do and how he plans to do it. Most women (who want long term relationships) won’t be interested in you if you are just wandering aimlessly through life. It is very important that at least by the age of 21-24 that you start to decide where you are going with your life, what you want to do with your life and how you plan to achieve that.
So plan your future. Women like men who know where they are going with their lives. Not men who are just hanging out. Women also like men who are going somewhere. If they are going to join up for the ride, they want the ride to go somewhere.
4. Don’t declare your love for any women in public unless you already know that she is interested in you. There is no better way to get a “loser’s image” than for a guy to publicly show that he is madly in love with a woman who isn’t the slightest bit interested in him. If you are interested in a lady, keep it to yourself, set out to get to know her, until you know that she is also interested in you.
5. Don’t chase after every woman you see – that’s a loser’s way. Ladies like to think that men are exclusive in their choice of them. If she’s seen you run after 5 other women before you got to her, she’s not going to be too open to you. She’s already got a bad image of you. So don’t run after every single lady. Make friends with them, make good friends, but don’t be “a fool in love” with every woman.
6. Fix your attitude. Have an uplifting attitude. Make people want to be around you, because you give them a charge. Encourage and compliment people. Don’t be critical or condemnatory. Be a positive happy “I can” type of person.
7. Don’t tell everybody your sob stories or your problems. Save it for your closest friends only. And swear them to secrecy.
However it is very crucial that I make something quite clear at this point. Your image is important (note: not self image but the image others have of you), self-confidence is important, but imagine now the other extreme. How many women are attracted to an arrogant all knowing vain womanizer? None! They are scared off. Yes, image is important, but it’s the right image, the image of self-confidence not self-promotion. Don’t don’t don’t walk around like you are the greatest gift to womankind. Their lives will be warmer with you, but don’t ever fool yourself that they have no life without you. And don’t alienate other men. Do everything in moderation. And keep checking up on yourself.
Also, the first time you meet a man at a social event, treat him with as much interest as you would treat a women. If you don’t, the women will soon notice that and feel that you are just out to scam on the women. This will cause them to feel uncomfortable around you and make them think you are “slimy”.
What are the 7 Crucial Image steps? And why?
Which one of these do you have problems with?
How do you plan to fix this?
What does this mean? What is a social misfit?
A social misfit or nerd, is a perfectly normal person who has not learned basic social skills. He is usually also a person who insists that the world is defined a certain way, despite evidence to the contrary. He is someone who believes that something should work and even when it doesn’t work he continues to believe that it will work, for no good reason. He insists that people fit a certain mold and the expectations that he has created for them, and when they don’t fit the mold he despises them for it or thinks that it is their fault and their problem. But he doesn’t understand that he is exactly like the people he despises, because he basically has the same biases and prejudices as the people around him. He is what I used to be when I first started college. He also keeps trying the same things over and over and over again despite the fact that it is not bringing him any success. And finally he does not evaluate the effect he has on his surroundings to see if his actions are good and should be maintained, or bad and are ostracizing him from his potential friends.
So the question is, do you find that you fit part of this description? If you do then obviously we need to work to break the mold, break the habits that keep you from having friends and replace them with successful habits. The following section identifies some of the obvious issues and explains them.
How do you prevent yourself from becoming a social misfit? You need know the following rules:
Don’t leer or stare at women!!!!
Make sure that you do not have bad breath.
Make sure that you do not have bad body odor.
Make sure you don’t have nose or ear hairs showing
Make sure that you do not have any bad habits.
Dress according to the current styles.
Be interested. Be Interesting!
Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t spill your guts out to everyone and anyone
Be kind and compassionate.
Develop ‘Class’ and have socially common Hobbies
Try to always have a smile on your face
We will consider each of these individually. Again what we are doing is considering the effect that our actions have on those around us.
a) Don’t leer or stare at women! Don’t stare at their bodies.
This is kinda’ obvious. Women feel very awkward and weird if you stare at them. It is only in movies that women like men who look at them that way. In real life staring gives women the jitters and makes them wonder if you are normal. A few quick glances are OK, but don’t do the “weirdo/psycho” leer. I had a friend who claimed he was very successful with women. He talked about all the women he’d met at bars and what not. I invited him to church one day, to our Singles Group. But after a few visits I noticed that all the women were avoiding him. I asked a few of them what the problem was, but they were too polite to mention a real reason. Finally I got the answer from one of them. She thought he was “slimy” because he would “check her out” by checking out her body.
b) Make sure that you do not have bad breath.
Brush your teeth every morning and night. But how do you find out if you still have a problem? Ask someone who is not afraid of telling you the truth, like your dentist or your mother, to tell you if you have bad breath. If you do have bad breath despite brushing twice a day, then go see a dentist. You may have halitosis or a decaying tooth. Further more see your dentist at least once every six months and get your teeth cleaned and capped. Yellow or missing teeth are quite unappealing. You may also have small uneven gaps in your teeth. A good dentist can fix this with enamel epoxy. Teeth whitening is also a good option.
c) Make sure that you do not have bad body odor.
How do you do this?
i) Take a shower every morning without fail.
ii) Use a deodorant that is also an antiperspirant on your underarms everyday after a shower. Many people who move here from other cultures have never used antiperspirants. I cannot overemphasize the need to use an antiperspirant. Most Americans are very very sensitive to this.
iii) Wear most shirts and clothes a maximum of twice before washing them. Before you wash shirts, spray their collars with “Shout” or some sort of stain remover to get rid of the “ring around the collar.” Wear underclothes only once before washing them. Wear pants only 3-4 times. Get jackets dry-cleaned at least once a year, if not more. The nerdiest thing a guy can do is wear a dirty jacket or anything with a “ring around the collar.” Throw out shirts when the collars start to look worn.
iv) Never never never ever wear a pair of socks more than once before washing them. Your sock smell will overcome all colognes that you wear, and you’ll never know it. So while you think you smell OK, you’re destroying any chance of social acceptance with the aroma you are carrying around.
v) Take a shower immediately after working out or after any strenuous work.
vi) Avoid pungent hair creams or perfumes (especially if you are from another culture). What smells great to you may not be so appealing to the average American gal. Also, in most cases your cologne should determine how you smell, not your hair cream. The exception to the rule maybe the hair cream Brylcream, which as I accidentally found seems to attract some women.
d) Make sure you don’t have nose hairs showing
Nose hairs may be the mark of masculinity in Papua New Guinea, but in the US it’s usually seen as “gross”, clip them out of sight.
e) Make sure that you do not have any bad habits.
If you do have some bad habits like picking your nose or biting your nails or chewing on your tongue or scratching yourself in public, start to isolate them and remove them.
These could also include the following:
Interrupting people while they are talking to you (or worse interrupting them while they are talking to others). Learn to wait for the conversation to end before you barge in. Learn to let people finish their thought or statement before speaking. Consider other people’s feelings. When someone asks you a question, listen to the entire question before answering. This also allows them to feel that you have listened to them.
Getting too physically close while talking to someone. Watch if they move back away from you, if they do, let them define the space they need between you and them to feel comfortable – don’t move closer, whatever you do! Everybody needs their space and it is defined differently in different cultures. In the United States this ‘personal’ space is greater than in places like Italy etc. I knew a guy that not only insisted on standing a foot away from me while he talked to me but he kept nudging me and shoving his hands at my face as he talked. And he thought this was normal. Needless to say it irritated me (and others) to no end. And when I moved back, he’d move right in again. Yes, he never had a date either.
So how to you remove bad habits if you have any?
Here’s how. Get yourself a Day-timer or a calendar type book that you can carry around and record things in. Then in one section, write up a table like this for each bad habit that you want to remove:
No. What Happened/ Description/Location What was I thinking at the time What prompted the action? Comments/Observations
Now whenever you notice that you are biting your nails or whatever, record it. In column 1, number the incident. In column 2 describe what happened and the location e.g. “In car, started chewing on nails.” In column 3 describe what you were thinking at the time, in column 4 describe what you think prompted the action, and finally in the last column note any comments and observations. Note this could even work for smoking after a fashion.
Do this everyday for 3 weeks, before long you will notice that you are very conscious of your habit and it will stop. This works. It worked for me (yes I speak from experience), it’ll work for you. I used to chew on my pens, leaving a horrible sloppy messy chewed up pen end. I used the above method and within 3 weeks I stopped chewing on my pens. Even now almost 15 years later I am immediately aware if my pen ends up in my mouth.
To repeat an important point: Always consider the effect that your actions/bad habits are having on those around you.
f) Dress well. Read this section everyday before and after you dress until it becomes part of your second nature.
Remember the above item about double standards. And remember that subconsciously the first impression is usually all a person uses to decide if they want to get to know you better. So the concept of needing to be well dressed and well groomed stands on a solid foundation.
i) As we said earlier, people want to hang around people who are similar to them. They want to be comfortable around their friends. So if you want to join a group, you have to look and act a bit like them. For instance don’t wear clothes that are years out of style. If you don’t know what is in style, watch someone who is successful and watch how he dresses. His style may not totally match your personality, but there are always some things that may work for you. Use what you can and you can internalize it. I used to dress totally nerdy and people thought that that was part of my personality. They expected me to be that way. Then when I learned that it was important to dress well, I started doing that and found out that it wasn’t such a big step and that the way I dress was not a personality issue. And get this, before long people thought that dressing well was part of my personality.
ii) Your best bet is to dress like the guys that you wish you could hang around with. Or like the guys, that the girls whom you like, hang around with. Anticipate any function that you are going to attend. If most people at this function will be in slacks, don’t wear jeans. If most people will be in semi-formal attire, don’t wear a T-shirt. If you want to be a rebel, then dress punk or new-wave (OK that will date this paper, whatever the new style is called), but whatever it is, do not dress like someone who is going to wash his dog. If you are going to the beach, don’t wear dress pants. But remember this, whenever you buy anything, make sure it fits well. Besides the right attire for the right occasion, your clothes must fit well. You could be dressed exactly like the people you want to hang around, but if you if your shirt is too tight and your jeans are too loose (whoops, there was a style where your clothes were supposed to hang down to your knees – so just watch the styles), you will still look like a nerd. How to ensure you clothes fit is discussed later on.
iii) Read a couple of men’s fashion magazines like GQ or Esquire and buy clothes like the clothes that those models are wearing (be a bit more conservative at times though). Don’t think you have to pay the same prices, there are lots of good stores that have equivalent clothes for less. Dress well, the more modern or businesslike the better usually! If you don’t think that that is your personality? Start slowly, your personality will shine through the clothes you wear. Remember good clothes are not an excuse for poor personality. But remember slobby sloppy clothes could prevent any girl from ever finding out what a nice personality you really do have.
iv) Dressing sharp means make sure your semi casual dress clothes are not tattered. Make sure that they are very clean. Don’t wear clothes with holes in them, or with seams that are coming loose (unless they are jeans that fit well). Don’t wear clothes with too much wear and tear in them. Throw out or give away (to Goodwill) those old shirts and pants, so you won’t be tempted to wear them again.
As a rule brown clothes and blue clothes never mix.
Don’t wear socks or underwear that are torn or worn out.
Don’t zip your jackets up all the way while you are inside a room, in fact take off jackets while inside a room whenever it’s warm enough. If you are cold, wear a sweater for indoor use.
When you wear a sweater, be paranoid of one collar sticking out of the sweater and one sticking in. Your best bet is to have them both inside the sweater. Remember this especially if you put a sweater on where there aren’t any mirrors. Also whenever you put on a sweater or a jacket, you have to adjust the way it hangs so that it doesn’t look funny. Make sure that collars are straight, that the shoulders are in the right place, that it isn’t skewed around your waist, that you didn’t put it on front to back, check that the seams do indeed run vertically under your armpits down your sides. Make sure that the tag that tells you how to wash your sweater or sweatshirt, is not sticking out. Fold the bottom of the sweater (by your waist) under, so that it doesn’t look like you are wearing a tube.
Throw out dead clothes on a regular basis or give them to the Salvation Army./Goodwill Clothes only have a certain lifetime. This is influenced both by fashion and by wear and tear and fade.
v) Shoe Issues
Don’t wear dead shoes or shoes that look flat and lifeless. Get shoes that have some shape to them and keep them in good condition and clean. Don’t wear wide shoes if you have skinny feet (or they’ll look flat and saggy). Make sure that your laces are always tied and not frayed. Laces fray because when you don’t tie them up, you walk all over them and the friction with the ground breaks off the end seal and causes them to fray.
If you are wearing casual dress shoes, make sure that they are always polished before you wear them. Go out and buy polish today if you need it.
Never wear white (or any color) athletic socks with any dress shoes. Yes, I know Michael Jackson did that years ago, but he wore shiny silk dress socks and a single glove, not athletic socks. It’s just very nerdy on the average person (OK it may come back in style one day…but until then stay away from it). But to be safe go buy nice black or dark dress socks. Again in the same way don’t wear dress socks with sneakers. It’s just as nerdy to be walking around in jeans, sneakers and dress socks.
vi) Pant Issues
Never wear pants that are too big for you such that when you put a belt on you have to gather it up in the waist and the belt slides off the pant waist in the back.
Never wear pants in such a way that your pant crotch is near your knees (I’d stay away from it, even if it becomes the “in style”. Wear pants on your hip bone and don’t wear them up around your waist, unless you have a pot belly.
Always make sure that the end of your pants legs reach halfway between the floor and the top of your shoe (unless you are wearing boots or high tops of course) when you stand tall. Normally this will be 1-2 inches from the floor. Never wear “high water nerd pants.”
Don’t wear pants with frayed pant legs on them. (Note this is OK with jeans when you are out roughing it or you are dressed to play football or whatever. But it is unacceptable in most casual atmospheres where everybody else is wearing slacks).
Be safe, stay away from plaid pants until you become a fashion expert!
Ask women what clothes look good on you. Take their opinion even if you don’t agree with it. They know a whole lot more than you. Trust me, I learned the hard way.
Never wear gaudy belts. Always make sure that you have hit every belt loop in your belt. Check this by running your fingers of both hands simultaneously around your belt making sure that every time you hit a loop with one hand you hit it’s equivalent on the other side with the other hand. Check in a mirror when you are done.
Always make sure that your pant legs are not caught in your socks or are not caught by static cling.
vii) Shirt Issues
Don’t wear shirts with ink or any stains on them (unless your are working on your car or painting).
Don’t wear a shirt with the front unbuttoned, the 70’s are over and that style will just cause people to laugh at you. (Of course this style may come back, in that case do it with gusto).
If you have a good chest, it will show off just as well with a well cut shirt, so avoid the extra tight look. Also women would rather be curious about what you have under your shirt, than see it broadcasted.
Be safe, don’t wear loud or too wide ties. Maybe later when you are an fashion expert, but not right now.
Don’t wear 100% polyester anything (unless they come back in style). Polyester blends are OK because they don’t have to be ironed. But shiny stuff is right out for now, you can add it to your wardrobe once you become an expert.
Don’t put your shirt on right after you have applied antiperspirant to your armpits. If you do you will stain your shirt. Yellow stains under your shirt pits will do very little to advance you socially. Wait for your antiperspirant to dry before you put a shirt on. The way I do it is that I dry myself, add antiperspirant, then I comb my hair, then I shave, then only do I put my shirt on. This gives your antiperspirant time to dry. While we are talking about this, remember to go through your wardrobe and throw out any shirts that have yellow stains by the armpits.
When you put your shirt on. After you button it up (check that you haven’t missed a button) then look at the right edge of the left front flap of your shirt, (where the buttons holes are, since you just did your buttons they now have the buttons through them). Line up this edge with the edge on the flap that covers your pant zipper on your pants. This edge should also line up with the right edge of your buckle (so keep your buckles small and inconspicuous).
If you have a flat stomach gather all the loose material around your shirt waist and pull to the sides, straightening out your shirt so that there is no loose material around your waist or stomach. Any loose material should be at your sides. Now tuck all this loose stuff into the sides of your pants. Repeat this often during the day (in private or as inconspicuously as possible). Now using your hands flatten our your shirt against your body.
If you do not have a flat stomach and have a bit of a pot belly, after you tuck your shirt into your pants, blouse it out a bit. You do this by first straightening it as described above and then pulling some of the material out and over your waist. Make sure it looks even.
Now you are all set.
Let us address some more areas in detail at this point. These areas are ones that guys should always be careful about. Their collars and their shirt-tails and their buttons. How often have you seen a “nerd” walk around with his collar half out and half in, or his shirt-tail half tucked in. Or less obvious but just as slobby, one with his shirt tucked into his pants in such a way that it makes messy bulges in his pants.
Never wear a shirt with a dirty collar.
Never wear “dress” clothes in such a way that your undershirt is showing. It’s only in casual situations (e.g. jeans or real casual pants) that you should let the top of your undershirt show at the top of your collar.
Always check your collar in the mirror after you put on a shirt. If there is no mirror, check your collar with your hands. This is especially needed if you’ve just put on or pulled off a jacket or a sweater. Check the collars of both the jacket and the shirt. Be paranoid about your collar being messy. And most importantly on collars: NEVER WEAR A SHIRT WITH AN UN-IRONED COLLAR!!! If there is one thing you iron, make sure it is your collar. In fact I recommend ironing the entire shirt with “Spray and Starch.” Get into the habit of ironing all your shirts before wearing them. Especially if they are cotton. Your collar sets the stage for your entire appearance, and it frames your face which is what others spend most of their time looking at, so always make sure that your collar is sharp looking. Better still have all your shirts washed at the cleaners.
Buy shirts with small collars, not huge wide expanses of cloth. Make sure your shirts have collars that are in style. (Again unless this becomes the style again).
Button down collars are very nice, and are pretty timeless. If you do get button down collars, never wear them unless the buttons are done up. My personal opinion is that it is very nerdy to wear a button down collar and not button it down.
As far as shirt-tails are concerned, always check them after you stand up and whenever you get a chance, (like in the rest-room, unzip your pants and make sure your shirt falls freely and straight down before zipping your pants back up to hold your shirt in place).
Buttons: never never wear a shirt unless it has all it’s buttons, and always make sure that you have aligned the buttons up right. Another classic image of a nerd is one where he’s got an extra button at the top of his shirt and a spare button-hole at the bottom of his shirt.
Pockets: never never have a shirt pocket full of stuff. Remember the nerd image of the pocket full of pens and a pen stain or a pocket protector? Avoid that at all costs. If you must carry that many pens around, get yourself a classy leather binder with a Day-timer or calendar in it. (Also avoid shapeless bags, use a classy leather brief case if necessary). In general avoid using your shirt pockets altogether, they are really just for show and have no real practical value.
And finally on the topic of being well dressed. Being well dressed does not mean that you can dress yourself up in the morning and then you’ll look good the rest of the day. No, in fact being well dressed is an ongoing thing. You have to continuously be monitoring the way your sweater hangs, where your shirttails are, how and where your collars are lying, whether you pant legs are straight after you get up from a chair or your car. As you continue to do this it will become subconscious and easy to do. You won’t even have to think about it, you will do this naturally. But for the first few weeks you have to force yourself to be aware of how you look and be constantly checking.
And just in case you’ve see other people violate these rules and get away with it, remember, stick with the easy stuff, the rules I give you work for most people, there will always be exceptions to the rules. Play with the odds, ignore the exceptions until you are social machine.
viii) Go out today and buy John T. Molloy’s book called “Dress for Success” available in any local bookstore for less than $5. Read it and apply it. Start reading a chapter a day. By the way, make sure you buy the latest edition, perish the thought if you happen to find a 1977 edition at a garage sale, you’ll end up looking like Mr. Disco King. Be sure to get the latest edition!!
ix) Don’t create or imagine your own ideas of fashion, at least not yet. Fashion and acceptability are social things and don’t follow logic or common sense (that’s reality). Do what it takes to be accepted. Once you are in the main stream and are accepted as a fashionable person you may even be able to set the fashion trends. But wait till you get there and people are complimenting you on your styles and even copying you.
x) Go out and buy a full length mirror or two, look in them every time you leave your house. This is very very important.
xi) Hair Issues
Wash and condition your hair everyday. Don’t use soap, use a shampoo and a conditioner. Conditioners leave your hair soft and nice looking, and manageable. Soap and most Shampoos raise all the cuticles so that your hair doesn’t stay flat, it gets tangled and starts to stick out, and it looks dull. Conditioners fix this by flattening all the cuticles on your hair shaft. This makes your hair manageable, soft and gives it a nice sheen. So make sure you buy a conditioner. I don’t recommend shampoos like Pert that claim to do both simultaneously. Get separate bottles.
Wear your hair back if possible, do not, do not plaster it down on your forehead. Styles change, this fact may change in a few years, so follow the styles. Again, don’t try to understand or be adamant about fashion. Fashion is not logical. Fashion is what the majority of people want to be like. Our job here is to fit in with the majority. Then once we fit in, we can start looking for areas where we can stand out in a crowd, but we must make sure we stand out in such a way that people admire us, not laugh at us.
Do not grease up your hair too much. Do not let it look uncouth or un-cared for. Make sure it is neatly combed and manageable and don’t have it hanging in your eyes. Always have clean shiny hair. Never use too much grease and never leave it unbrushed. Style your hair like the guys in the group of people you want to hang around with. Or better style yourself the way the guys that hang out with the women you are attracted to are.
Generally speaking, short well trimmed hair is usually your safest bet. Long scraggly unkempt bushy hair might be great if you want to hang around hippies, but the average person today will shun you if you are like this. (Yes, styles will change in time).
If you have naturally thick and bushy hair, have it thinned with “thinning” shears when you go to get a haircut. Bushy hair can look very unkempt.
Don’t forget to comb the back of your head. I once had a chemistry teacher who would come to class with his hair beautifully combed, but when he turned around it was obvious that he’d forgotten to brush the back of his head and his hair always stuck out. Can we say NERD?
Watch out for flaking dry scalp. If you have white spots in your hair or on your shirt collar, I guarantee that you will make a negative impact. If standard dandruff solutions do not solve the problem, go see a skin doctor. He can prescribe a dandruff shampoo that will solve your problems in about 3 days. After you comb or brush your hair check for white spots in your hair and for white spots on your shoulders.
Every time you brush your hair you lose about 50-100 strands of hair. Always brush or comb your hair before you put on your shirt. If you comb your hair afterwards you will have hair on your collar and on your shirt. Very nerdy and very unappealing. So never comb your hair in the morning after you’ve put your shirt on, always do it before you put your shirt on. Yes, I know that there are times when you’ll want to wear a sweater and you’ll mess up your hair if you pull your sweater on after you comb your hair. Well, the trick is to brush and comb your hair as much as you can before you put your sweater on, so that all the hairs that are going to fall do so. Then after your sweater is on, all you have to do is do a final touch up to your hair.
Again always consider the effect you are having on the people around you.
xii) Facial stuff
Face hair: if you have a beard make sure that it is always clean and trim and not overgrown.
If you’re clean shaven, make sure you run your hands over your face when you are done shaving to check if you have missed any spots. Apply lotion and check your face about 20-30 minutes after you shaved to make sure your face isn’t all dry and flaky. If you have a problem with dry skin, use a skin conditioning after-shave. Use a very very well lighted clean and clear mirror. Mirrors age with use and moisture, so make sure you have a new one.
On the other hand if you have very oily skin, make sure you wash your face with soap halfway through the day.
If you have a beard, make sure that you rub your face and beard thoroughly when ever you are done eating. It is very nerdy to walk around with food crumbs in your beard.
On the subject of facial hair; it is a good idea to wear your beard in a style that is suited to the present day. On the other hand it is certainly admirable if you want to wear your beard in some style of old, like they used to back in the 1700’s. However, reality is that you may loose many opportunities to meet and make nice lady friends just because you appear a bit eccentric. Caution is an admirable trait in women. So if someone looks too eccentric or looks like they came out of the middle ages, a lot of young ladies knowing that there are a lot of weirdoes out there will wisely stay away (just in case). So if you sport a very eccentric beard, you may unfortunately never get to know a lot of very nice ladies. If you want to grow an eccentric beard or whatever, do so after you have settled down comfortably with a wife and a steady job (employers are also slightly leery of eccentric people).
Nose hairs: buy your self a pair of tiny scissors. Make sure that your nose hairs are always trimmed and never sticking out of your nose. Be careful, don’t hurt yourself! Do this with the bathroom door locked. You’ll look very stupid if some one walks in on you while you are doing it. Or use the side edge of a small 2 inch wide electric beard trimmer.
Always remember to wash behind and in your ears whenever you shower or wash your face. Dirty ears are a sure turn off.
Don’t ever wear glasses that are patched together. Remember the classic portrait of a nerd with glasses taped together at the bridge? Don’t fit the stereotype.
If you wear glasses, if possible get contact lenses. If that is not possible make sure you get some nice fashionable frames. Have a lady friend who understands fashions with you when you pick it out. No thick horn rimmed specs.
xiii) Don’t wear the same clothes around the same people twice in a row. There are some people that you only see on a certain day every week, make sure that you aren’t wearing what you wore the week before, they will think that you wore the same clothes all week. Also never wear the same jacket or sweater over and over again. Have at least two or three options that you can rotate through. Invest in a diverse wardrobe, buy some stables like nice black pants, a nice rayon or silk shirt, a skinny tie, a nice sweater or a nice leather jacket. Then as time passes add to this by buying more shirts, the type you’ve seen in those magazines I mentioned earlier. Slowly you will build up a very classy and fine wardrobe. Look out for sales in places like Miller’s Outpost, DJ’s, Jean’s West etc. Once you have the stables you can buy a shirt here, a sweater there so that you have something new every other month or so. Make sure that you can wear one thing with another. Don’t buy blindly without planning colors and matching styles. Take a lady shopping with you even if she is your sister (but make sure she is well dressed and has taste too, don’t plan for failure here….). Wear the clothes you need to find accessories to and try them out in the store. Don’t go shopping haphazardly.
1. Is Fashion a logical thing? __________. So do what it takes to be accepted.
g) Be Interested. Be Interesting!
What does this mean? One of the biggest things everybody notices about people who are not socially accepted is that we social “misfits” are usually only interested in ourselves. We usually have a sob story to tell or are very eager to discuss a topic that interests only us and no-one else. Secondly, we usually never stop talking and forget that in a social situation people want to mingle around and we try to spend more that 30 minutes cornering one person and pouring our life’s story out, instead of only 5 mins of casual conversation.
How do you solve this?
i) For the next 4 weeks, go out and never once talk about what you are interested in or talk about your self unless prompted. And even when prompted give short conclusive sentences about yourself and then move on to their lives. If they are really interested in your situation, they’ll ask about it. Let them keep prompting you if they want more information. Meanwhile your goal is to get them to talk about themselves. Most people love to talk about themselves. And the more they talk about themselves the more they’ll like you, (because they can “talk with you”). Interact more, listen more, talk less. Listen, listen, listen!! I guarantee you one thing, the more you can make someone talk about themselves to you, the more they will like you. Note though, don’t be blatantly obvious that you are trying to get them to talk about themselves. Let them know that they are interesting.
You see one of the biggest indications that a guy is a “Social Misfit” is that he is very pre-occupied with himself and his own situation. These guys are so taken up in themselves that others get turned off. By being very interested and involved with others we turn our focus outwards. But this doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time to get into the habit of making others more important. So I repeat: For the next 4 weeks, go out and never once talk about what you are interested in or talk about your self unless prompted. Talk to others about themselves.
ii) Listen ALERTLY. Don’t be semi comatose while listening, nod, understand what they are saying, respond. Don’t sit there with a dumb look on your face. Use your eyebrows, smile, frown (OK OK don’t overdo it). Listen actively to them, think about what they are saying. Show your reactions.
iii) Go out today and buy the book by Dale Carnegie called “How to win friends and influence People” (about $5). Some people hear the title of this book and think that it is all about manipulating people. You couldn’t be more wrong. This is a book about becoming popular by learning how to meet other people’s needs. Dale Carnegie didn’t invent this stuff, he merely studied people who were “loved” by everybody around them and documented what these popular people already did. To some people this comes naturally because they were born into a family that applied it, or their friends did it. Others who are less fortunate have to learn it from books. I had to learn it from books. And if it worked for me, it’ll surely work for you. Read the entire book, apply it, then make any decisions.
Now when you read the book, don’t just browse through it. Promise to read 1 chapter a day. Then read it with a pen and highlight all the important areas. Then once you have read that chapter the first time, the next day apply what you read, then go back and reread the SAME chapter again, before going on to the next one. Do this for every chapter reading it twice and making sure that you apply it the next day. Be prepared to read this book about 5 times in the next year. Each time you read it, you will glean more and more useful and important information. It’s your road map to character and social acceptance. It will also make you the “right’ man. Eight years ago, I read this book for the first time, I still read this book at least once a year now.
iv) In a social situation, don’t talk about yourself, and if you are forced to, don’t keep them listening for more than 3-5 minutes. Then if you can’t change the topic to them or their interests, let them move on to mingle with other people. Be sensitive to letting people mingle. That’s what they are there for and they won’t feel comfortable with you until you become a ‘confidant’ and that takes lots of time (like months).
i) I once talked to a lady who told me how she “caught” her husband. She’d seen him around a lot but had never met him. Then she found out that he was interested in antique cars. So for the next few weeks she found out all she could about antique cars. Then when she got a chance to meet him she instantly knew what topic to talk about and how to be very interesting to him. What did this do? Well it gave her a chance to get to know him and they could build on this friendship. This works both ways, for guys and for gals. Remember, this wasn’t an artificial thing, she was out to get results. You find what works and you do it. All the successful people in the world do that, and that’s how we can become successful, by finding out what works and applying it.
ii) To be interesting you need to be well rounded. Read a lot, read the classics, read the newspaper, subscribe to Time magazine, watch Ted Koppel on Nightline, watch CNN, study the issues. Be informed, expand your horizons, find out what the people you want to hang around are interested in and become well informed about that.
h) Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t spill your guts out to everyone and anyone (other men or other women). Don’t ever tell your life story to anyone the first or second time you meet them. One of the biggest complaints I get from girls is that, they meet a guy and the next minute he is pouring out his entire life’s history and his latest heartbreak to them. And they’ve just met him. To most girls this is a big turn off.
People don’t get attached instantly (unless they are desperate or they are characters in a movie). In the same way, don’t expect some stranger to be totally interested in you right off the bat. Interest and closeness is something that is developed over a long period of time. Don’t ruin your chances with a girl by wearing your heart on your sleeve.
So let me repeat: NEVER NEVER NEVER bare your soul to someone the first few times you meet them.
But you may ask “Why not?” Let me explain.
The first few times anyone meets you, you both spend time subconsciously and consciously evaluating each other. If the person seems interesting and fun, a mental decision is made as to whether a friendship is going to develop. But if the person seems disturbed or overly weird or a total loser, most of us immediately reject the idea of a friendship.
Now put yourself in a situation where you have just met a person. Now you hardly know this person and he tells you this major sob story, how some women dumped him, how he’s lost his job, how life is a mess, how he has no friends etc.
What’s the first thing you think?
“What a loser!”
But the truth of the matter may just be that he’s going through a bad period. He may not really be a loser. The problem is that you don’t know enough good about him to offset the bad.
In the same way, don’t tell all your problems to someone hoping they’ll be your friend, first show them the good, the fun, the positive, then when there’s an emotional bond of friendship, when there is some commitment, open up a bit at a time.
Now I’ll agree that occasionally someone may hear this person’s sob story and respond with compassion. But it won’t be mutual respect, it will be compassion and them feeling sorry for you. You’ll always be slightly “below” them. You don’t want that, you want to be their peer, not the poor person they are helping out.
So NEVER bare your soul to someone until they know the good things about you and are comfortable with you. This usually comes after about 10-15 hours of time spent talking together on a one on one basis. (Yes, that could be weeks).
So to summarize, don’t be too eager to talk about yourself. But be very eager to make others talk about themselves. Reveal yourself only after much prompting and after you’ve known the person for awhile. Besides mystery adds interest.
i) Be kind and compassionate.
Develop a caring and supportive attitude. Start right now with your guy friends. Don’t think that you can be rude to your guy friends. They are your buddies as well. We all need close male friends. But moreover this will prepare you to be caring and supportive to your future women friends. So start thinking about your friends instead of yourself. Start thinking how they could be made to feel special. Start thinking how you could encourage and build them up. Then start applying this to all the women and men around you, even if the women aren’t even your type. Try it on your mom or sisters. It’s good practice for the future. A lot of women are taught to judge a man by the way he treats his own mother and father.
What am I trying to say? Yes, always consider the effect you are having on the people around you.
j) Hobbies and Class and Other Such Things.
Hobbies, classical music, classics (books and movies), paintings etc. A man has to have some hobbies. What are yours? What do you like doing? Always have some sort of hobby that you enjoy. Preferably one that other people can share with you.
Secondly, develop ‘Class’. Read the classic books like Moby Dick, Lord of the Flies, David Copperfield, Wuthering Heights, find out who Helen Keller was and read her autobiography, etc. If you are not a Christian have a basic understanding of the Bible and find out who Jesus claimed to be. Buy and listen to classical music, Beethoven’s 5th, 9th, etc, it takes a while to develop a taste, but you will never regret it. Be well rounded. Know the modern groups as well. Listen to the news, read the newspaper, be well read. Watch the classic movies like “Casablanca”, “African Queen”, “My Fair Lady”, War and Peace, some of the old Hitchcocks etc. Read as much as you can. Develop class. Learn to play a musical instrument. Learn to sing, take singing lessons, join the choir, learn ballroom dancing. Don’t be a bore. Turn off that TV or watch the educational programs. Sitcoms and the average TV movies don’t give you class and they certainly don’t increase your sociability. The exception to the rule maybe that if you watch the sitcoms you may be able to talk to women about their favorite sitcom. But I have to say that I’ve never seen this work.
There is a saying by which I live, I’ll give you a summarized version:
A man should know how to change a bulb, fix a flat, tie a knot, build a house, fix a car, give a persuasive speech, dig a hole, climb a mountain, pray to Yahweh, explain and back up his religious beliefs logically, tie a tie, wear a tie and be comfortable, shoot a rifle, use a computer, use a camera, write a book, give CPR, bake a cake, grow a rose, make a fancy dinner, invent something, paint a painting, sing a song, make a movie, write a song, write a poem, write a book, fight against injustice, debate a cause, fix a phone, wire a house, give a massage, square dance and ballroom dance, critique a book, critique a movie, start a fire, pitch a tent, catch a fish, clean a fish, cook a fish, read a map, etc BECAUSE specialization is only for insects.
See what I am saying, learn these things, be well rounded. Be bold. Now obviously you can’t do all these things or learn all these things simultaneously, but change your attitudes about them. Start expanding your horizons, start growing in these areas. Don’t let your world be just you and no one else. Learn about the problems around the world, like in South Africa, develop an opinion and see how reality fits with that opinion, study both sides of the issue, but don’t insist that you know the whole story and don’t stick to your opinion despite new evidence. Don’t be too adamant but be open to new concepts. Become well rounded. Start to mature in your attitudes and your mannerisms, rise above petty stuff. Don’t imagine that the world turns around you.
Questions for review…..
1. How do I develop class (it doesn’t have to cost money)?
2. What area am I going to work on?
Back to our list….
k) Always have a smile on your face.
Do I need to expand on this? It should be obvious. Who wants to meet a sullen moody person? I expand on this in the next item.
l) Finally even if you do all the above, you could still not be successful socially, if you have a few problems like those listed here:
1. You do not have a strong grasp of the English language (if the people you want to hang around are English speakers).
2. You have very poor communication skills.
3. You have psychological problems like paranoia or are intimidated by people.
4. You have character problems like lying or stealing.
5. You have an inferiority complex about your looks or your braces or your intelligence.
6. You have some repulsive habits like drinking excessively, smoking, laziness or foul language.
7. Every time you meet a girl you focus in on her and chase after her, such that you have developed a reputation for it.
8. You are sarcastic or critical of everyone, or you cut down people or you complain constantly. Or you are short tempered, curt or don’t care about other people’s feelings or are rude to people. Or if you refuse to accept or tolerate other people’s weaknesses.
9. You have a loud and booming voice that is sometimes obnoxious.
10. You have a boring monotonic voice.
11. You are a very unreasonable close minded person, who never stops to see the other persons point of view.
or most importantly if
12. You never smile!
There are obviously a few others. But let us deal with each of the above.
1. You do not have a strong grasp of the English language (if the people you want to hang around are English speakers).
It is very important that the people that you want to hang around can easily understand you. You must be able to communicate with them easily. Any barrier to this can doom friendships.
The first thing you should do is to take some English pronunciation classes. This is not your regular English grammar or literature classes, but rather pronunciation and enunciation classes. Most community colleges offer these classes and have inexpensive registration.
The second thing you should do is read a lot of books that will teach you a good vocabulary.
The third thing you should do is find yourself some friends who speak the language you speak (your mother tongue), so that you won’t be utterly lonely and desolate while you are learning English and learning to mix in with the English speaking crowd. Loneliness can be devastating and demoralizing. Don’t subject yourself to this. It could put you in a rut that you may never come out of.
Now notice, I didn’t say that having an accent was bad, just make sure that you are understandable. It is especially important that if you have an accent that you portray an image of intelligence. It is easy for people to mistake your difficulty in grasping the English language as a problem of intelligence (sad but true), thus by being extra alert and extra well rounded and educated you can overcome these cultural difficulties.
2. You have very poor communication skills.
Poor communication skills may take the form of excessive mumbling, excessive “ums” and “ahs”, or even failure to be able to pick a topic and be concise and decisive about it. One solution to this is to join a club called the Toastmasters. This organization usually has a club in every city. It’s very cheap to join ($12 a year) and it’s major Charter is to promote communication skills and self confidence in public speaking. Join this club and do at least 3 speeches in the next 3 months. Call this number for the nearest “Chapter”: (714) 542-6793.
Poor communication skills may even take the form of excessive talking, i.e. constantly talking and talking; or it may even ever take the form of excessive shyness. Either of these may be the result of an inferiority complex. Again Toastmasters can help here, join them today, do the 3 speeches. Gaining public self confidence will help, I can guarantee it.
3. You have psychological problems like paranoia, or slight schizophrenia or are intimidated by people.
These problems cannot always be solved on your own, see a counselor if you feel that you fall in this category. Fortunately very few people will fall under this category. However if the counselor says you don’t have these problems, then get a grip on yourself and live life to it’s fullest. Don’t sit around on your duff. Just remember that the world doesn’t revolve around you and nobody is out to get you, and if someone hurts your feelings, it was probably an accident. Or maybe you need to stop being an emotional midget and be an emotional giant: which means that you have to be able to take insults and teasing and set backs without feeling inadequate or without your pride or ego being hurt.
4. You have character problems like lying or stealing.
Problems like these need a counselor. People don’t get close to people that they can’t trust. Trust takes time and a single incident like a lie could eliminate that trust and thus the closeness. Don’t plan to lose.
5. You have an inferiority complex about your looks or your braces or your intelligence.
Dealing with an inferiority complex can be tough, I know from experience, but remember the only person who can give someone else the permission to put you down is yourself. If you don’t like the way you look, change what ever you can. Get better clothes, exercise, go on a safe diet, the very fact that you are doing something about it does incredible things to your self esteem.
Volunteer to help others. I know of no better thing to improve your self esteem than to go out and work with people who have less than you. Get involved in a church, help out the Junior Highers, help out old folk, but do this all on a regular basis. Doing it only once in a while won’t cut it.
There are also a number of courses that can help you out. Zig Ziglar’s course “How to Stay Motivated” is probably one of the best. Zig Ziglar is an excellent speaker and deals in great depth with inferiority complexes in his course. It has changed my life around. It is expensive ($150 or so) but it is definitely worth the cost. Their phone number is (800) 527-0306
6. You have some repulsive habits like drinking excessively, smoking, laziness, foul language, etc. Shape up dude. I don’t really need to address drinking and smoking, they are real turn offs to most girls nowadays. Play with the odds, not against it.
Laziness – all that means is that you’ll never get around to doing any thing for yourself. but suffice it to say most women want a man who will fuss over them and one who has a future and is going somewhere with his life. Don’t plan to lose.
Foul Language- I have never in my experience met a girl who got excited about a guy when he cussed. But I have met many girls who said “Oh he’s so cute, but he’s got the filthiest mouth ever, what a loser” and then dumped the guy. So don’t plan to lose, play with the odds. Don’t cuss!! Cussing will never gain you popularity with women but it can usually do the opposite. Admittedly you may fit in with some young kids if you cuss, but the same kids would probably not care if you didn’t cuss, (as long as you didn’t get judgmental about their cussing). There’s got to be more in common that just the fact that you can cuss. Play with the odds, cussing is bad odds, spiritually and socially.
Need I repeat? You always need to consider the effect you are having on the people around you.
7. Every time you meet a girl you focus in on her and chase after her, such that you have developed a reputation for it.
This is a problem that is fortunately easy to overcome. Just stop it. Promise yourself that you will not have a steady girlfriend for the next 4-6 months. Now stick to it. And stop being such an idiot and such a skirt chaser. Women hate thinking that you’re interested them just because they are a woman and not because they are anyone special.
8. You are sarcastic or critical of everyone, or you cut down people or you complain constantly. Or you are short tempered, curt or don’t care about other people’s feelings or are rude to people. Or if you refuse to accept or tolerate other people’s weaknesses.
This is a serious problem. Very few people can tolerate people who are like this. There are a few ways to eliminate this.
a. Go see a counselor, there may be something in you past that has bred a deep anger in you. Christian Churches usually have counseling for free.
b. Start doing the stuff in 5. above as well as the following. Start giving of yourself, it will help. Be in a ministry to others who can’t pay you back.
c. Stop analyzing people’s actions or people’s motives before you imagine what you would have felt and done in you were in their shoes and in their situation.
d. Read and re-read Dale Carnegie’s book “How to win friends and influence People.”
9. You have a loud and booming voice that is sometimes obnoxious.
Do people usually ask you to speak softer, or cringe when you speak. Stop this by analyzing it. I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll cover it again. Get yourself a Day-timer or a calendar type book that you can carry around and record things in. Then in one section, write up a table like this:
No. What Happened/ Description What was I thinking at the time Topic Comments/ Observations
Now whenever you notice that you are speaking in a very loud voice record it. In column 1, number the incident. In column two describe what happened, e.g. “Talking to John, started talking very loudly.” In column 2 describe your thoughts at the time, then the topic of the conversation and finally Comments.
Do this everyday for 3 weeks, before long you will notice that you are very conscious of your voice. What’s the whole point here? Need I say it again? Always consider the effect you are having on the people around you.
10. You have a boring monotonic voice.
This is a tough one. The best way to check is to record yourself speaking on a tape recorder or a video. Then look to see if you don’t fluctuate your voice enough, check to see if you don’t vary the speed of your talking enough, and so on. If your voice is this single toned, boring, steady voice, it’s time to adjust it. Take speech classes or join Toastmasters as I recommended earlier. Learn to put feeling in your speech. Be bold. Open your mouth wider, smile when you speak. Remember there are many things you can do with your voice, try it: Speak loud and slow, soft and slow, loud and fast, soft and fast. Now vary the tone, loud high and slow, loud high and fast, loud low and slow etc. Enunciate, articulate, intonate & emote. Remember, not only what you say is important, but how you say it is important too.
11. You are a very unreasonable close minded person, who never stops to see the other person’s point of view.
The only solution here is to read Dale Carnegie’s book 3-4 times at least this year. Start now.
12. You never Smile!
If you never smile, I can guarantee that you will drastically reduce your chances of making friends. You have got to learn how to smile. It doesn’t matter that you are sad inside, you have got to learn to smile on the outside when you are around people. If you don’t smile, you will scare away everybody. Who wants to be friends with a sourpuss. Not me! So learn to smile. If necessary use the table given earlier to record whenever you catch yourself not smiling. That’ll make you smile. Smiling indicates that you are not harmful, that you are friendly and that you want to make friends. No smile indicates you are angry, dangerous, depressed, boring or dead. Also imagine that you are seated at a table in a coffee shop and you have a sour look on your face. A pretty woman walks in and you suddenly smile at her. You know what she is thinking? “Oh oh, that weirdo there is looking at me.” On the other hand if you have a soft smile on your face and you see her and your smile widens just a bit…she thinks “Oh what a pleasant person.” I learned this one day while walking down a street with a serious look on my face. Suddenly I saw a lady coming towards me. I suddenly smiled at her and she immediately turned her face away to avoid eye contact. After she passed me, I eased my muscles and put on a pleasant smile. To my delight the next lady I passed smiled at me, to which I smiled wider and nodded at her. She nodded right back. Keep those slight smiles on your face and the world will smile back at you. I’ve found the slight permanent smile to be the greatest tool in social gatherings, in airports etc to meeting women. It makes people want to meet you at best and makes people want to smile back at you at worst. It also makes people notice you (and it will probably help you live longer).
All in all, learn to watch how people react to what you say and what you do. If what you say or do results in shocked looks or them pulling away from you, start eliminating those things from your nature. If what you say and do results in warm smiles and joy, keep it up. Always be aware of your surroundings and your effect on people.
(Or I never was a social misfit, so what do I do?) or What are women?
First let us talk about women. Women are the most amazing creatures in the world. They are irrational fascinating, beautiful, un-understandable, infuriating, wonderful, marvelous, lovely and God’s greatest creation, and I’d never have survived without lots of them as my closest friends.
Women are real people with real needs, women need friends, as well as “boyfriends.” But they need more friends than they need romantic boyfriends. They can be loving and caring and sharing to you and not for one instant want to be more than your friend. And that is both healthy and good. Don’t view women as only romantic beings, they can be fun, vivacious, a blast and confidence building, without romance even having to enter the picture.
And that is what you have to strive for. I know nothing better to lift a man up from the dumps than a couple of women friends who just like him as a friend. Women as friends in my experience don’t ask for too much, they usually give a lot and are usually trustworthy and long-suffering.
So that is what we are aiming for in this next stage of our lives. This the key! This is the goal. The goal of gaining friends who just happen to be women. It may sound really weird to you. But this single point is the secret to social success! This single bit of knowledge, given to me by a close friend named Bill Walburg probably changed my entire social life for the better. This is what this whole paper is about. If you forget everything else except this point, you will still come away with an incredibly changed life. Let me repeat the concept because it is very important. The goal of gaining friends who just happen to be women, the goal of having casual and close non-romantic women friends is the key to social success.
Too many men treat women as sex objects, too many men think that the only relationship you can have with a woman is a romantic one. Too many men chase after every single woman they meet. Thus scaring off any chance of having a woman who is a friend. Too many men just never think that a woman could be a friend, or a buddy, or a pal. Too many men think that a girl who is their friend needs to be a “girlfriend”!!
Look at the socially successful men around you, you know, the ones who always have women around them. Take any one of them as an example. Take the guy who lives (now ‘lived’) next door to me in my dorm. While it may seem that all these women around him adore him, if you look closely enough, you’ll notice that in actual fact most or all of them are just his close friends. Friends that he can go do fun stuff with. Not romantic girlfriends, but friends who happen to be women. Some of these friends are just casual acquaintances, some are very close friends, but very few if any are romantically interested in him. Do you see that? He is their friend. Non romantic, non passionate, non selfish, just a genuine friendship with no ulterior motive usually. And he seems to be having a blast of a time with them.
But furthermore, you’ll also notice that these socially successful men, use these friendships with women to fine tune their own behavior, they learn how to BECOME the “right man” from their relationships with these women. They refine and learn how to relate to women by being friends with these women. They learn how to support, encourage, help and be a buddy to these women. They learn what will be expected of them in their future dating or marriage relationships.
So first let us change our way of thinking. Stop imagining that your life’s problems will be solved if you meet the right girl. There is no right girl. Start becoming the right man, then half the women will all of a sudden want to be your friend and when you get to this point, your problems will be mostly solved and you can go from there. Start becoming a man with non-romantic women friends.
i. Stop worrying about the right woman and become the right man!
ii. Don’t look for a girlfriend, look for friends who happen to be women.
I have seen many many situations where a guy just meets a girl and the next thing he does is he asks her out. Now this may work for you if you look like Tom Cruise and are as cute as Snuggle the Bear. But for most average men like me it’ll never work. Or it’ll work one time out of ten. That’s nine rejections that can crush my self esteem and self confidence!!! Thank-you very much but life is cruel enough without such rejection. Here are some reasons why she could and usually does say “No!”
First, she may have a boyfriend, that’s a slap in the face.
Secondly, she may scared of you since she doesn’t know you from the Unabomber.
Thirdly, she doesn’t know you and haven’t the faintest idea what your intentions are.
Fourthly, she is just not interested in you right now, because all she has to go on is your looks.
So as a result, if she’s a kind hearted woman, she’ll lie and tell you that she has to wash her hair. If she’s not as kind, she’ll lie and tell you that she has to walk the dog. If she is just slightly cruel she’ll tell you that she has to wash the dog’s hair. But if she’s straightforward, she’ll say “Thank you very much, but no thank you.” In all cases it’s a slap across the face and pure rejection. Let’s explain how you can get around this.
Dating Principles for Success
1. Don’t Date Casually for a Mate (but don’t forget the second part of this rule “Never date a girl Seriously or Steady unless she could be a Mate.” See the last section for details about this).
There are very few women in this world who want to marry you! In fact even if you met the right woman, she probably wouldn’t want to marry you anyway. Because she doesn’t know that she wants to marry you….Why? Because she doesn’t know you!!!! Do you want to eliminate women or worse do you want women to eliminate you before you even have a chance to let them get to know you? So don’t date casually for a mate.
This fact is so important that I am to reiterate it a couple of times.
There are very few women in this world who want to marry you or go steady with you. But there are probably lots of women in this world who would like to be your friend. Again, look at the socially successful men around you. Do they have lots of girlfriends? The answer is NO. They have lots of friends who just happen to be women. This is something that I hadn’t realized about the guy in the dorm room next to me when I was in college. Half those women who kept visiting him, did so because he was their friend. Not because he had a harem.
What does this mean? It means if you are looking for a steady girlfriend you are going to fall flat on your face. On the other hand if you are looking for some friends who just happen to be girls, you will probably have no trouble.
And since it is so important, I am going to repeat this fact: The goal of gaining friends who just happen to be women, the goal of having casual and close non-romantic women friends is the key to social success.
So in the following section we will not be talking about going steady or about finding the “right” girl of your dreams. That is not necessarily really what you need right now. What you need right now are friends who are women.
So what is the next step?
a. Determine to yourself that you PLAN not to have a steady girlfriend for the next six months.
b. Determine to be a develop at least 6 friendships with women in the next 3 months. This means, the kind of gals who you can do casual stuff with. Without a hint of romanticism!!! This is very very important. You could mess everything up for yourself if you lose your head and try to go too far romantically out of desperateness. Remember point 1!!! Thus when you pick these women friends they don’t have to have all the qualities that you are looking for in a wife or a steady girlfriend, they just have to have the qualities that you’d look for in a friend. Lots of people pass that qualification. Thus she doesn’t have to be gorgeous, she doesn’t have to be rich, she doesn’t have to be tall and leggy. She just has to be interested in being your friend. And once you have found such a friend, you need to find 5 more. And lets face it, if you have read Dale’s book, and you dress like a decent person, and you don’t have any real character flaws like selfishness or bad manners, and you care about them and most importantly don’t want them as a “steady” girlfriend, there are very few women who would refuse to be your friend.
2. How do you make friends?
How do you do this? Well, it doesn’t matter where you are, it is useless to try and do this unless you have an opportunity to meet women on a regular basis.
Where can you meet women? Church Sunday schools are the best place. Social Clubs, health clubs, school or college (if you are in school or college, if you are not, take an evening class which would have lots of women, like speech or psychology or sociology), I do not suggest bars because if a woman is a regular at a bar, chances are you don’t really want to meet her. Another great place is on Church Retreats. Just make sure that it is not some sort of a cult. Find a good mainstream Baptist or Christian Church. While you are there, listen to what the preacher is saying. Chances are you can change much more than your social life that way.
Group activities are the greatest with church groups and clubs. Do stuff with a bunch of guys and a bunch of gals. Get to know the gals on a casual basis, and then develop a sincere friendship with them. Group activities are low key, low stress and can be a blast. With group activities you can casually invite girls to join your group. E.g. “Hi, a bunch of us guys and gals were going to go out and catch a movie, would you like to join us.” or “Do you want to grab a group people and go out to lunch?” Make sure you mention that other gals are coming as well. Unlike most men, very few women want to be the only female in a group. But do this casually, don’t make a big deal of it. And while you are in the group, don’t act like you are her date for goodness sake. Be casual, let her mix with the others and make friends, you should also mix with the others and when you get a chance, chat with her casually. Get the picture? Can you see a situation where this would apply? Can you see yourself doing it? Good, do it.
If you are in college, volunteer to help with freshmen orientation next year. Then be bold and friendly with all the freshmen girls that you have to show around the campus. Be comfortable and friendly and funny with them. AND DON’T TRY TO PICK UP ON THEM, because you’ll fall flat on your face (unless you are an established and experienced Romeo, I’m not!).
By the way, you can be friends with, but never never never get romantically involved with another man’s girl friend. You will cause yourself more trouble in the long run. Even if she breaks up with him for you, I’ll guarantee that she won’t be ready for another relationship right away, even if she says she is. It is called the rebound phenomena. And again, I speak from a base of knowledge and experience, don’t think that you are special and that it will work differently for you than for 95% of all other people. And don’t think your life will work like some movie you saw a long time ago. This is reality, this is life.
Of course married women are right out of the question! Don’t even think about it. Don’t plan to lose.
Incidentally you’ll never make friends if you come up and start acting like a Casanova. I know many many women, and I have yet to meet one who wanted a guy to come up and put the Casanova moves on her. They all thought it pathetic, stupid, irritating and a total turn off. And they tell me it will never change their mind or cause them to like the guy. The only time a woman wants a man to act like a total romantic is when she is confident that she likes him. Note I said “that she likes him.” If somebody you don’t like makes a fool of themselves for you it is pathetic and irritating, not romantic. Make friends, do not try to gain “lovers” or pick up on women.
Here’s an example of what not to do. It’s an example of a big mistake. This really happened and happens all the time to gals.
A close lady friend of mine just started a new job. At the company that she works she met this nice young man. He was nice and attractive, and he was attracted to her. She wasn’t sure yet. However, within a few days of meeting her he asked her out on a very very romantic date (he hinted at it to her). She wasn’t interested. Not because he wasn’t a nice guy, but because she didn’t know him yet and certainly wasn’t interested in a romantic date. Maybe after she got to know him better it would have been more appropriate for him to ask her out on a date. So she made an excuse. He tried again the next week. This time describing in great detail all the aspects of this romantic date and trying to convince her to go out with him. By now not only was she not currently interested, but this handsome guy had just bombed all chances of her ever being interested in him because he was acting like a sleaze bag. You can’t convince a girl to change her mind about you by glitzing her or by being overly romantic. If there isn’t a spark there to begin with, you can only make it worse by being pushy. And if there isn’t a spark, the only way to generate one is to become friends and “grow” a “giving” relationship. You cannot manipulate someone’s feelings of love. It will always backfire, and yes I know from experience and in talking to lots of women. Love is a free gift, that can be given, but never taken or argued for or manipulated for. You cannot debate someone into loving you, you cannot force someone into loving you, and you certainly cannot persistently hound someone into loving you.
But getting back to my buddy. She now was irritated by this guy, he would tell her she looked beautiful, that would bug her. He would drop hints of the lovely time they would have together, that would repulse her. He would flirt with her, and that would make her angry. Why? Not because he wasn’t nice or anything, but just because he came on too much too soon. Don’t come on to someone like that. Meanwhile there were other guys who were nice to her and once they’d got to know her, complimented her, but they always gave her space and time to get to know them. What interested me tremendously is that when the sleaze guy (who was better looking than the other guys) complimented her, she cringed, but when the other guys complimented her using the same words, she beamed. The difference? The first guy had come on too fast, too strong. He was trying to manipulate her and convince her that he could show her a good time. I’m sorry but practical experience shows that that just does not work. So the lesson is obvious and worth repeating again. Don’t act like a Casanova, don’t come on too strong and, don’t try to debate someone to change their mind and don’t don’t don’t try to manipulate them into liking you.
If you are already in this position because you messed up before you read this: Continue to be nice to them and back way way off. They may come around, but chances are they may never come around. Some you win and some you lose, but the real loss comes when you don’t learn from those you lose.
By the way sometimes in conversation some women may say they love it when men are romantic and ask them out on a romantic date. But be careful of this trap. Pick an nerdy guy out and ask them point blank if they’d like Mr. Nerd to be romantic and ask them out on a romantic date and they will cringe. You see they were thinking “It would be lovely if Mr. Good-looking Hunk asked me on a romantic date.” If we kept to their standards only the movie stars and the handsome would be married. We’d be still sitting with our pocket calculators hanging off our belts, being depressed. More on this later.
So on to point 3.
3. Never take a woman out unless you can talk easily with her.
Which means never just go up to a gal that you hardly know and ask her out. Why not? Besides all the reasons mentioned above, even if she does say yes, if you can’t keep up a conversation, she’ll think you are a geek. Don’t take chances, don’t plan to lose. Buy insurance – get to know her before you take her out. Then make it casual, and have fun. After a while you find out something amazing – girls never say no. After I learned all this, I never asked a girl out unless I was sure that she was going to say yes. And after I learned all this, I have never been rejected since. Sure there are some girls who would say yes even if you don’t know them, and there are some good-looking men who can pull this off. But if that was you, you wouldn’t really be reading this would you? No, neither I, nor you can just go up to some strange girl and expect her to jump at the chance of going out with you. This is life, this is reality. I am not going to wait around for that 1% chance. That would mean that I have to get rejected by 99 girls before I find the one girl who’d say yes to me after meeting me for the first time. I don’t know about you, but I know I can’t take that sort of a rejection.
As we go through this list let me re-emphasize that there are exceptions to every rule, but a lot of people think that they are special and that they are one of the exceptions? The question is, what makes them think that if these rules apply to 95% of the world, they’ll get away with it? If you feel this way, ask yourself, “Have I ever been special consistently in my life?” The key word here is consistently. Don’t plan to lose. Only losers bet with the 5%. I’ve been doing the things that ensure me success. I always bet with the 95%, that’s why I am where I am. Some losers think that their pre-conceived ideas are better, but if they really were, chances are, that they wouldn’t really feel that their social life needed changing. So play with the odds. This is real life, not a movie. Blindly believing in anything, never made it true. Even religion needs to be backed with facts. This is reality.
Let’s repeat the main emphasis here. The goal of gaining friends who just happen to be women, the goal of having casual and close non-romantic women friends is the key to social success.
4. Eliminate the word “Date” from your vocabulary.
Date conjures up long term commitments and kisses and stuff like that, there are only a few women in this world who would want to ‘date’ you. But there are very few women in this world who wouldn’t want to be your friend if you are interesting and an imaginative conversationalist.
When I started doing things with women, I never said “Let’s go on a date”, NO – If we were standing on campus, I said, “Hey, can I buy you an ice-cream cone?” And we’d walk down to the store. If we were studying for a final, I’d say, “Do you want to take a 10 min study break?” Or I’d ask “How about lunch?”
At this time I want to revisit and reemphasize an earlier point I’d made. Some women may say they love it when men are romantic and ask them out on a romantic date. But be careful of this trap. This was an actual experience of mine. I was talking with a couple of friends about this issue (part of my research) and one of the gals (a close friend and a real pretty one too by the way) said this: “How can you say that you should never use the word ‘date’ or never invite a girl out on a ‘date’ until you know her very well? I want a guy to be gallant and ask me out on a romantic date. I want to be treated like a queen and taken to an expensive restaurant and end with a romantic fire on the beach.”
Unfortunately through painful experiences in my own life I had learned that this was not always true for all men. It may have been true for all women. But not for all men. So I picked out a guy on the other side of the room (I made sure he couldn’t hear us). This guy was a very sweet nice guy, but he was a total nerd. I asked her “How would you like it if Pete there asked you out on a very very romantic date and spend a few hundred dollars on you and then took you out to a romantic fire on the beach?”
Her reaction? She shuddered.
You see, she wanted the local handsome hero to ask her out. Not you and (the old) me. She effectively doomed every man who didn’t look like a model from ever getting to know her even as a friend. Don’t be fooled by this trap. What she hadn’t realized is that I had become her close friend using the exact same techniques that she claimed she didn’t want. I know if I’d asked her out on a romantic expensive date the first time I’d met her, she’d have run a mile. Yet here she was so familiar with me that she would call me up late at night and drag me out for coffee because she wanted a study break. What I am teaching you here works. I know, it worked for me, the “used to be” most nerdy of all men.
So how do you ask a women out on a date? We’ll talk about this a bit more in the next section.
5. Be an interesting person.
I repeat this point from the first section because it is important. What does this mean? Find out what other people are interested in and study it. Read the classics, watch the classic movies. And make sure you’ve read and re-read Dale Carnegie’s book.
6. Don’t buy the lie that impressions or appearances don’t count.
Again another repeat, because it is important. A girl will never be interested in you unless she is in some way attracted to you. In the same way, we are only interested in people to whom we are attracted to. This attraction may be physical or spiritual or mental or social, or because there’s compatibility. First impressions count. So if you are a slob and look like one, she’ll never get past your slobbiness to get to know you. Sure once in a while it may happen, but do you want to wait until that happens? I don’t, …….don’t plan to lose. Look sharp, be sharp.
7. Having women friends attract more women to you.
I have learned from experience that if you have women around you, even more women will start to hang around you. No, I am not advocating some male “Harem” kick. But let us study why this is true. Why do women attract women?
Because when you have a lot of women friends, other women tend to feel more comfortable around you. Because their peers accept you.
You don’t feel so desperate, which in turn shows in your actions, which in turn is felt by women. So they feel more comfortable around you.
It shows that you are not after only one thing, be it marriage or worse. Let me expand on this since this is very important. Let me also personalize it with an example. I met this very pretty girl through some friends, after spending some time with her on a casual basis amongst these friends (over a period of weeks), I asked her out. She said, “sure.” Later the same evening at the social gathering, another guy asked her out on another night. She felt awkward and said “No, I’m not really dating around right now.” I asked her why she felt awkward with him and not me. (He was definitely better looking than me!) Here’s what she said to me “I know you date around a lot, so it wasn’t a big deal, you’re always doing things with women who are your friends. But I don’t know that about him. As far as I know, he was looking for a girlfriend. I didn’t want to deal with that.” You see, she felt comfortable with me, because she knew that I was out to make friends, not girlfriends! She didn’t know that about him. Note that I have seen this happen numerous times and each time the resulting reasons were pretty much the same. So if a woman knows that you date around a lot and have fun with a number of women on a casual basis she won’t feel like you are after her in a romantic way, thus she is more likely to say “Yes.”
Subconsciously everybody likes a popular person, despite what they may say.
Being around friends who are women, trains you to be a good friend to a woman, so when the compatible woman comes along, you know how to act and meet her needs better.
Having lots of close women friends breeds confidence in yourself.
Having lots of close women friends breeds confidence in the women whom you meet.
Having lots of close women friends allows you to be friends with girls who are pretty as well as girls who are not as pretty or even unattractive. (Remember they each know more women).
Every woman has about 4-5 girlfriends who can just as easily become your friend, each of whom in turn have another 4-5 girlfriends and so on. However usually 6-8 women friends are more than sufficient, anymore would make you a social butterfly.
There’s nothing better than a bunch of women who genuinely like and care about you to boost your morale and get you out of the dumps. By the time you are done, you should have women coming over when you are depressed, baking you cookies at Christmas, asking you for advice, asking you for advice about their current boyfriends, asking you to save them from nerds (the old you), asking you to save them from their current boyfriends (ow), asking you to take them out, asking you why you haven’t called them in a while and so on and so forth. You should have women who are FRIENDS.
Also remember, if you increase the odds by knowing more women, your odds of finding a compatible woman will increase. (Note, I didn’t say ‘the’ compatible woman).
8. Learn to flirt with a number of women simultaneously.
Now, some of this is only for when you known the gal for a while. If your try this too early, she’ll run a mile and think that you are a creepy nerd (remember the example of one of my friends who had this guy flirt with her at work but he came on too fast too soon). Flirting is usually thought of as a personality issue. However, it needn’t be. By treating a girl well (any girl) you are in a way flirting with her. As you get better at this and as your confidence increases you can expand on the following. Also make sure you understand what my definition of flirting is. It’s not getting sexual or sensual with her. It’s complimenting her, it’s noticing her, it is supporting her, it is helping her, it is going out of your way for her. That’s what I am talking about. And here’s how you can start.
a. After you’ve been introduced to her and you meet her again or catch her eye across the room, smile. Raise your eyebrows at the gal keep smiling and then go back to what you were doing. Only do this once a day, anymore and it becomes “weird.”
b. Once you are friends, treat her extra special, say things like “You smell nice” or “you look nice” or “That’s a very pretty dress.” Now remember do this to all the women you know, not only to the women you are interested in. Women watch how you treat other women. And then deduce whether you are someone they want to get to know or get to know better. Keep your expressions of beauty to objects (e.g. that scarf looks very nice on you) until you know them well enough and they are comfortable with you, so wait before you start to compliment them directly (i.e. you look very pretty).
c. Once you know the gal well enough, learn to give half hugs comfortably. A half hug is a one handed hug from the side. A half hug says: I like you, I admire you, I want to be your friend. But make sure the women you give hugs to are comfortable with it also. Don’t ever be a crass boor who grabs women and hugs them against their feelings. Learn to open your arm (it’s a half hug remember) as if to say come here and hug me and see if she comes to you. If she doesn’t, she isn’t ready, no problem. And don’t make the hug too long. A quick squeeze should be sufficient. Can you visualize yourself doing that? Be very alert to how she reacts. If her arm is free, does her arm go around you, or is it a one way hug? Is she smiling or is she feeling awkward? Does she want you to hug her?
Always, always, always, watch how they respond to anything you do. If it’s always you hugging her with no response from her, you are moving too fast or she is uncomfortable, slow down. If they respond negatively cut it out, if they respond positively file that for future reference. Respond and react to your surroundings, do not just blunder through life.
d. Touching gals. First of all, when you shake their hands, never give them a “dead fish” i.e. a limp handshake. Always make sure you give them a firm hand. And don’t crush them either. Also if you are giving them an arm to support them or the like, make sure it is a steady and firm arm. Women just don’t want wimps. After you know them well, and are in the habit of touching their arms or shoulders, don’t do it with a wimpy touch. I knew a guy who thought he was touching women tenderly but their reaction to his touch was repulsion because it was too much “tenderness” in a very everyday situation. Save that for someone who totally knows you or for the appropriate situation. If all this seems confusing don’t worry, just study how people subtly react to you and either eliminate it or adjust it or keep it, respond and learn accordingly.
Remember: A woman does not have to be your GIRL-friend. She can merely be your non-romantic buddy. That’s healthy and that’s good.
A warning: Women who have just come out of another relationship.
If a gal just broke up with her boyfriend and you show up on the scene, you have two choices depending on what you want the outcome of your relationship to be.
a. If you want to be just buddies with her, immediately befriend her and let her talk to you. But never, never, never, never say “If you need a shoulder to cry on call me” or “Go ahead, cry, it is all right.” These are two of the most degrading things you can say to a person. Never be condescending. Say instead, “If you want to do something let me know, we can go do something fun and crazy.” Or “call me if you just want to talk.” But then don’t always expect her to call you. Get to know her better and eventually, you can apply the steps I mention about in the “How to ask a girl out on a date” section. Then become her confidant, her buddy, her friend, the person she uses to distract her and help her forget her ex-boyfriend.
b. However, if you are romantically interested in her. Stay away from her, be an acquaintance, but do not, do not, do not become her confidant. Why? Because 80% of the time, the confidant will not ever be able to change from “confidant” to “romantic interest.” Why is this? Because, everything you do and say will be graded through the filter of the ex-boyfriend. And you can never compete with a ghost. Your best bet is to stay as a mysterious and a flirting acquaintance. Then in a few months (could be as many as 6-8 months) as you show that you are willing to take her out, and you get the impression she would like you to take her out, this will be an indication that she is ready to date again. Remember, I speak from experience not from what I feel the world should be like. Don’t try to create your own rules. Watch and learn what is really happening.
So we finally get to the action. But remember if you don’t apply anything from sections 2 and 3, none of this will work.
First let’s repeat some principles mentioned earlier:
1. Never ask a girl out on a date!! Sound confusing? What I mean is ask her out, but never, never use the word ‘date’.
2. Never ask a girl out unless you can talk comfortably with her.
3. Always know what her interests are before asking her out, so you know what to talk about (find out in casual conversation before hand).
4. Always start slow. Don’t spend much money or much time or dress up the first time you do something together.
5. Don’t make a big deal out of it.
and most importantly 6. Build non-romantic friendships with women before moving to the romantic step.
OK, so here’s the scenario. You’ve met a girl at Church or in class, or at work and you are attracted to her as a friend. You want to get to know her on a friendly basis. But you don’t know anything about her. Much less her name.
If you haven’t had a chance to meet her in a casual way do not, do not, do not just go up and formally introduce yourself. Chances are she’ll think that you are a geek if you do.
Instead this is what you do:
Step 1. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. I’ll address this next section as though you are dealing with only one gal. But remember you should be doing this with at least 6 gals, remember the 6 friendships? Don’t plan to lose. Don’t put all your efforts into only one lady. Work on as many friendships simultaneously as you reasonably can. Don’t spend time only on the pretty girls, remember your friendships should be made with even the girls you don’t find attractive.
Step 2. Find out who her friends are. If you work together, find out who she has lunch with and who she works with.
Step 3. Try to get to know her friends, when she is not around. This should be easy, since there is no tension involved.
Step 4. In the course of things you’ll get introduced to her. Be nice, be warm. Don’t try anything fancy of glamorous to impress her. Be very warm and nice. This is a long process and meeting her is just the beginning. Have patience.
If you don’t have a chance to meet her friends then you are going to have to rev up some confidence to find an opportunity to speak casually with her. Again don’t introduce yourself, say “hi” and talk to her, only a few casual sentences. You are not out to get into a deep conversation. You are trying to make contact. That’s it. Just some contact. Casually compliment her on her dress or outfit (if you like it only, don’t be fake). Let her ask your name, be it weeks or days later. If you get this chance to talk to her make sure that you keep it casual. Remember, you will not get a chance to ask out every girl you are interested in. Fate is like that, with some gals the circumstances may never be right.
All these principles take weeks to apply. There is no sure fire technique. But as you develop these abilities you will develop more confidence and experience.
Step 5. Once you know the girl on a casual basis. Slowly (over the next two to three weeks) get to know her better. You are trying to develop a friendship here (not a date). Find out about her family, her interests, what she thinks of the latest movie, or the latest news etc. Don’t pump her for information. Use all the techniques you will have read about by now from Dale Carnegie’s book, to get her to talk about herself. Do not talk about yourself, or your ideas or your opinions unless she asks!!!!! Imagine that she is intelligent and can see through any game you play.
If you sense that she is not interested in talking with you, that’s fine, you haven’t lost anything. You still have a nice warm acquaintance, move on. You should have been working on 6-8 different friendships.
Over this period of time you will probably be able to deduce whether or not she has a boyfriend or not. Never ask her outright! If she isn’t interested in you as a boyfriend, this question will immediately make her think that you are romantically interested in her. This could possible make her tense and may ruin a good friendship.
If she does have a boyfriend, that is fine. You are in this to develop a friendship. Not a girlfriend. But now you must be very cautious about never giving her the wrong impression. But you definitely want her friendship. Why? Because, she has friends, who can become your friends, and remember women attract women and having women friends breeds confidence in you etc. Also, it’s always nice to have a few close non-romantic girlfriends, they can give you a lot of insight into the wonderful mind of a woman.
If she doesn’t have a boyfriend, that is good. But again, you are in this to develop a friendship, not a girlfriend. That romantic stuff will come naturally and it will indeed come later (I guarantee it). Once you are comfortable talking to her and she is comfortable talking to you, you can go to the next step.
Step 6. After you’ve known her well and she is comfortable with you (be it a couple of days or many weeks) and you have determined that she does enjoy your company, ask her if you can buy her a “coke” (if you are doing this right, you’d even know by now what soft drink she drinks), or an ice-cream cone (do not say “Can I buy you a drink!” this is a standard bar pick up line and you may fall flat on your face and ruin everything). If this is at school or on a campus, walk over to a vending machine or the cafeteria and buy her the coke or diet coke. Then spend time “visiting” with her. Let her talk about herself. See what happened here, it was a very informal, light hearted way of doing something with her.
Here are some other campus options, use them where ever appropriate:
“Want to walk down to the ice-cream shop and grab a cone?”
“Want to walk down to the cafeteria and grab a bite to eat?”
“Want to have lunch?”
If the topic was homework and you know the subject or have taken the class before “I’ve had that before, would you like some help with your homework/see my old notes sometime?”
“Can I buy you a candy bar?”
“I was going to get myself a burger, would you like to join me?”
“I was going to get myself a coke, would you like to join me?”
“Are you going in my direction, may I walk with you to your next class (or to your car etc)?”
“Tell me about (what ever topic she is interested in)” Then listen to her and remember it so you can look it up and discuss it intelligently with her later.
Here are some options if you meet someone at church or at a group activity:
“A bunch of us are going out to lunch, would you like to join us?”
“A bunch of us are going out to a movie tonight (or Sat or whenever), would you like to come?”
If you know a sport she is interested in you can ask her if she wants to play that with some friends.
Think of any activity that would allow you to spend time with her without it being a big deal.
Remember, she should be comfortable talking to you by now, so this is not a big deal for either of you. This is not a date. This is casual. You do not want a girl friend for the next six months (remember), but you do want a girl who is a friend!!!!
Step 6 Addendum- EMAIL: I originally wrote this before email was prevalent. It’s important to mention here that email is an excellent way to get to know a person. Most women have no problems giving you their email address after you’ve known them for a short while. Send occasional chatty emails to them asking how they are. Try to limit it to one email for every one received, regulate your emails to match theirs. If they send you a short emails, send short ones back. If they send you long detailed emails, you can do the same back. Pay close attention to all feedback as I’ve mentioned over and over again. If they respond to your emails 2 weeks later and they’ve been in town the whole time, that’s a very good sign that you should take it slow and avoid bugging them.
By the way: I shouldn’t have to say this…but just like meeting people in person, don’t pour out your life’s woes over email either, until you know them well.
Step 7. Once you’ve done step 6 a couple of times and you have determined that there is some mutual interest you can move on. If there isn’t that’s fine. Keep her as a good friend, be helpful, do more fun stuff together, but remember she ain’t interested in you as a boy friend, only as a friend. Don’t ruin anything by being too pushy. Besides you shouldn’t be doing this with only one girl. By now you should be developing these relationships with at least 6 gals.
If there is a mutual interest ask her out to do something fun (note I never said “date”). Make it simple make it fun, and don’t don’t don’t make it expensive. I’ve known too many guys who try to impress girls with a fancy expensive date and they fall flat on their face. Why? Because everybody’s so tense. When you know this girl a lot better and have done a lot of casual fun things, then take her out on the town and spend money on her. But not yet.
The best bet for taking this girl out, whom you know pretty well by now is to take her to a small inexpensive place for dinner. If possible do it with another couple. Do not do anything romantic (that can be a big turn off so early in the game). Small Chinese restaurants, or small quaint Italian places or Mexican are nice. You could go play tennis or racquetball, go to an Art Show, find an activity of mutual interest. Ask her what she likes, but you make the decision. Or in some cases you can invite her over to your house and you can both cook a meal together (but only if she is absolutely comfortable with you, if she’s not you’ll scare her away, the idea of being alone in a strange man’s house is not an appealing thought for any woman). Sometimes you can do it at her house, etc.
After all that you could go to a light movie but I don’t recommend it at all. A better bet would be to take a long time over dinner and go somewhere else for dessert. Usually movies do nothing to further your friendship. And she’ll remember the movie longer than she’ll remember you. Going to multiple places for dinner and then dessert gives you a chance for more interaction and break up of awkward situations. Have it all planned out though (and be willing to change plans).
Dress casually, nice slacks are a good idea. A tie is usually too much. Make sure she knows what casual means. If she shows up in her prom dress and you show up in jeans, this is going to be one heck of a flop.
But let us cover this “outing” in more detail. How do you ask her out. Well by now you should have a pretty good idea of what she likes, you should be very comfortable with her, you should be able to hold nice long conversations with her (about her interests, or about your mutual interests – but never about your own interests!!!).
Having passed all this and all the previous steps (i.e. the lunches and the chats and the getting to know each other and being comfortable with each other), you can then in one of your chats ask her: Hey do you want to do something some time?
Her answer will be one of two:
“Sure” (with interest) or
(with hesitation) “well…..OK” or “well….maybe.”
If she said B) then even if she said yes but with hesitation then you know that you don’t know her enough or that this is not the right stage in her life for her to be interested in going out, or worse, you were a geek and didn’t figure out that she had a boyfriend already, or she is just plain not interested in you as anything but a casual acquaintance. In any case back off and mark her down as one of those non-romantic friendships that you need a lot of. And don’t ask her again, unless the circumstances change (and don’t expect that to happen for at least a month).
If the answer is A) “Sure” then say:
“Great, when would be a good time for you?”
Notice that you did not suggest a day, you’ve left that up to her. She’ll give you a day, or ask you to pick. You work out a day, and a time. You tell her that it’s very casual. Tell her what you’ll be wearing e.g. “Don’t dress up or anything, I’ll just be wearing slacks.” Incidentally if she starts to hum and haw when you ask her to suggest a time and day, you can be sure that even though she said A) Sure (with interest) she may have been caught by surprise and really meant B). In which case just leave it with a smile and say “Oh, that’s OK, just let me know sometime when it’ll more convenient” and then leave or change the subject all together. Don’t act hurt or moody. This will kill any future chances. Besides since you are working on 5 other women this is not a big deal.
If you have a special event on a special day, then you can also ask her this way: “Hi, what are you doing on Saturday the 5th (for example). This way she’ll tell you ahead of time is she has something going on. If she is busy (or ‘says’ she is busy), say, “Oh, well maybe another time.” Don’t tell her what she missed. Let her remain curious. The missed unknown has more mystery and longing than the missed known.
If she doesn’t have plans, great, ask her if she’d like to go to the (whatever) grand opening of the Nutcracker Suite. If she’s not interested, see B above.
Remember, most girls try to give excuses when they don’t want to go out with a guy. they are just too nice to say “No, I am not interested.” So take any repetitive excuse of being busy or being unavailable as an “I am not interested” or as a “You silly geek, you haven’t laid enough casual friendship ground work yet.” If a girl is comfortable with you and willing to go out with you she will make time for you. You won’t have to talk her into anything. I know, from actual experience.
Now assuming she said A) “Sure” and suggested a time, what next? Well, if the “get together” is more that a week away, check that everything is still on, the next time you see her. Check at least 2-3 days before the event, so you can put together a back up date if need be. If she backs out without a good excuse, that’s fine, no big loss, don’t don’t don’t try to talk her into it. Just assume that A) turned into B) (see above). And don’t ask her again unless the circumstances change and she indicates she’s interested in doing something fun with you. But even when she backs out, don’t dump your casual friendship. Still talk to her and keep trying to develop a good friendship. Meanwhile you have the other 6 gals that you have been developing a friendship with.
If all is well and it usually will be, when you pick her up be on time. Call if you are held up or even slightly late. Don’t honk at her door. Go on up and knock. If she invites you in, be nice, apply Dale Carnegie’s book to her parents or whomever she introduces you to e.g. her roommates), make friends with them, make them talk about themselves. If she has roommates and later on they say “Oh, who was that really nice guy?”, you can bet that she’ll be twice as interested in you. Win points with whom ever is at home. Describe her parents with much praise as you leave the house and she is getting in your car (OK don’t over do it and don’t do it if you hated them, she’ll see right through that).
Open the car door for her etc. Apply good manners in all things. Tell her that she looks very nice. Don’t use the word “beautiful” yet.
If you walk down a sidewalk make sure that you are on the outside. She’ll get a kick out of it if you also explain how that tradition came to exist. You as the man are supposed to be on the outside, and that that dates back to the days of carriages In those days there weren’t good drains on the roads, and if the man walked on the outside, he would protect the woman from being splashed by a carriage. But don’t make a big deal out of it. Make your manners natural. Don’t make a production out of opening her door (unless you are goofing around and she’s digging it). In fact don’t make a production out of any of your manners. Manners have to be ever present but never calling attention to themselves.
Then go have a very casual fun evening. If she is the fun and crazy type, do some fun and crazy type things as well, go to the beach and walk in the surf or whatever. Remember to talk about her interests. Be caring and sharing. Watch her moods, don’t let her feel awkward if she isn’t up to some crazy antic that you have planned.
Here are some very important DOs:
Before you get to her:
1. Do shower.
2. Do shave.
3. Do brush your teeth.
4. Do wear clean clothes.
5. Do wash the outside of your car.
6. Do vacuum out and clean out the inside of your car (maybe use a little air freshener) and get rid of those old Taco Bell bags..
7. Do read up on her favorite hobby or topic ahead of time so that you can discuss it intelligently.
When you see her:
1. Do be kind.
2. Do be courteous.
3. Do be caring.
4. Do be gentle
5. Do be thoughtful of her
6. Do make a bit of fuss over her.
7. Do worry about her comfort.
8. Do seat her first.
9. Do open her car door.
10. Do open any restaurant or any doors for her.
11. Do seat her in her chair first.
12. Do seat her in the passenger seat first.
13. Do play soft music in the background while in the car.
14. Do ask her what kind of music she’d like to listen to.
15. Do listen to her very carefully.
16. Do look at her occasionally. But get that dreamy look off your face.
17. Do smile the entire time.
18. Do be funny.
19. Do be willing to change plans if she asks.
20. Do keep your ears open for what she likes so you can plan a future activity with her.
At the end of the evening:
If at the end of the night things went very well ask her (before you walk her back to her door): “That was fun, would you like to do something again sometime?” If she says yes, ask her if you can call her to set it up. If she hesitates or sounds like she’d rather not, then you are an idiot and she didn’t have a nice time. Back off and learn to read the effect you have on people better.
Do walk her to the door.
Do be considerate of the time she wanted to be home.
Do be considerate of her parents or roommates.
Let her invite you in if she wants, don’t invite yourself in.
Here are some very important DON’Ts that you have to observe in your conversation or during the date:
1. Don’t be dogmatic about anything.
2. Don’t condemn anything or anyone.
3. Don’t be too opinionated about anything.
4. Don’t be a jerk about anything.
5. Don’t be inflexible with anything, your plans, your taste in food etc.
6. Don’t be an idiot.
7. Don’t be too weird (a bit funny is OK, but weird is out).
8. Don’t insist on anything that may not be her wish.
9. Don’t talk about marriage, and DON’T ask her how many children she wants…
10. Don’t talk about your last girlfriend.
11. Don’t talk about your last heart break.
12. Don’t talk about yourself, unless she asks!
13. Don’t talk about your “ideal girl.”
14. Don’t talk about your mother. Duh!
15. Don’t stare at her.
16. Don’t expect anything from her at the end of the night except her conversation (not even a kiss).
17. Don’t insist that you do what you had planned, if she wants to do something else, do it gladly.
18. Don’t insist on playing your latest head-banging music unless she asks for it.
19. Don’t be shy.
20. Don’t be obnoxious.
21. Don’t be a nerd.
22. Don’t don’t don’t don’t be sarcastic.
23. Don’t ever ever cuss.
24. Don’t be ‘gross.’
25. Don’t be sick.
26. Don’t try to kiss her.
27. Don’t portray yourself as a loser or ask for pity. Nobody wants to be around losers.
28. Don’t over react to anything.
29 Don’t be negative, have a positive outlook during the evening. Negative depressing people are irritating to normal people.
30. Don’t try to win her over by making her sympathize with you or feel sorry for you. It just doesn’t work. Or it’ll work and she’ll be sorry that you are such a loser.
31. Don’t act like a lost puppy.
32. Don’t act like you know all the answers.
33. Don’t act like you don’t know anything.
34. Don’t argue about anything. If you disagree with her, fine, let is slide for now. Wait until you know her really well as a real good friend before you “try to set her straight.”
35. Don’t paw and keep touching her if she acts uncomfortable.
36. Don’t try to convince her that you are God’s gift to women, or the greatest stud on earth, (remember you want to talk about her, not you).
37. Don’t do anything wierd for crying out loud!!!!
When you bring her home.
Take her straight home. Do not take her to “your place for a night cap”, take her straight home and walk her to the door. You do not plan to kiss her! You do not kiss on the first date. You may in fact never ever kiss her. I know of no better way to ruin a friendship than by kissing a girl that you are not committed to. Or worse- by kissing a girl who is not committed to you. Because you only kiss girls that you are serious about. And you really don’t know if you want to be serious with this girl because you have been doing stuff with about 5-6 other girls and you don’t want to be a sleaze (someone who messes around with more than one person).
Once in a while a gal may want to kiss you. My suggestion from experience is to let her kiss you, (women hate being rejected) but you don’t need to actively kiss her back and make it an involved kiss. Respond with a gentle and light kiss.
Another thing that may happen is as you take her to her door she may turn her mouth up towards you for a kiss. I’ve had this happen to me a few times. It is always a pleasant surprise. Again my recommendation is that you give her a gentle light kiss on the lips (never reject her).
Why don’t you want to kiss her? Because you want to choose the best girl for you, and you can’t make that decision on the first date. If she likes you now and it is genuine interest, it won’t die overnight. Just make sure you make plans to see her again very soon. Besides, once you are at this stage, you won’t need me anymore.
Also don’t mistake a kiss from her to mean that you now have a steady relationship. For some ladies, one kiss doesn’t mean that you are dating each other exclusively. In either case, you are both unprepared to make an emotional commitment on the first date, wait until you know each other better. But by all means start spending more time with her to get to know her better.
Half hugs are good at this stage. If you remember a half hug is a one handed hug from the side. A half hug says: I like you, I admire you, I want to be your friend. A full hug can mean anything and can be taken wrong. By this time you should do what is comfortable for her.
Step 8. What next? Meet her again soon, on a casual basis and continue to cultivate your friendship. A man needs many friends. If you both had fun, do more stuff together, from this point you are doing fine. Keep it up.
But remember, never zero in on only one girl, it’s just plain stupid. Never put all your eggs in one basket. Besides you have 4 more months to go.
Finally if you get to the point when you want to kiss a lady and you know that she wants you to kiss her, please remember this piece of advice. I’ll admit that this advice is not for everybody, and I’ll also admit that it’s not an easy piece of advice to keep and a lot of women may not feel this way. But here it is:
I fully believe that the only time you should kiss a lady is if this is an inbred feeling deep inside your heart, that you want to open up your deepest secrets to this lady, that you want her to know every part of your mind, to tear down your walls to tell her all your dreams, to share parts of your life with her, to cherish her, to uplift her, to strengthen her, to care for her, to commit to her that you want to talk about a relationship. That is when you kiss a lady. Yes, I know that I sound like I am talking about marriage, but I believe to kiss a lady just because you are lonely, is to be a sleaze. I believe to kiss a lady just because you are turned on, is to treat her like a piece of meat. I believe to kiss a lady just because it seemed like the thing to do, is to be unfeeling about her feelings and her future needs. I believe to kiss a lady just because you’ve wondered what it would be like to kiss her, is to treat her like an curiosity object. I believe to kiss a lady for any reason other than as a promise, is to betray her trust. Women are beautiful, lovely, fragile, wonderful people, don’t play games with their emotions or their minds or their bodies. Treat your kisses as promises.
As time passes you will get into some serious relationships, it’s a natural outcome of knowing many women and of them knowing you and feeling comfortable with you. However there are some basic warnings that I need to give you at this point. Unfortunately, most of these are the kind of things that you have to learn the hard way. But on the off chance that you will pay heed to them I’ll give them to you.
1. You can’t change a lady’s mind by spending large amounts of money on her or by continuing to hint at romantic stuff.
2. You can’t substitute the physical aspect of a relationship for the emotional aspect. So don’t move into a physical relationship until you are have an emotionally stable relationship (What’s emotionally stable? When you stop playing head games with each other). A famous saying that I have developed over time and through pain is: Getting physical can ruin a GOOD relationship, but what is worse is that it can artificially keep a BAD relationship together (how many divorcees do you know?)
3. Don’t imagine that you can force a gal to like you by manipulating the circumstances, that only works in movies.
4. Don’t imagine that you can make a gal like you by compromising on your morals.
5. Don’t imagine that you can make a gal like you by getting physical with her.
6. Don’t be a sleaze, i.e. getting physical with a number of gals simultaneously, save yourself for your future wife.
7. Remember to become kinder and gentler day by day, give more of yourself.
8. Chose mature women who have their head on straight. Wild, unstable women may be fun as casual friends, but your heart is too sensitive to have some unstable woman playing with it.
9. Love at first sight is usually only your hormones and could be classified as Lust at first sight. Stop and learn if this lady as a soft, nice, kind and accepting personality.
10. A soft nice kind accepting person who is a slight air-head is definitely better than a contentious hard critical but intelligent woman.
11. Intelligence in life is not always an indication of intelligence in romance or relationships. I would rate the latter far better than the former. In other words, someone who understands relationships and knows how to nurture them is far more valuable than a genius.
12. Emotional compatibility, compatibility in future goals and compatibility in attitudes is what you really want to look for. You are sexually compatible with every female on this planet that does not have psychological problems, so don’t fool yourself, about this being a priority. Sexual compatibility is not proof of anything. Let me reiterate, you are sexually compatible with more than 90% of the female race, but that does not mean you should or could date or marry 90% of the female race.
13. Love is not sex and sex is not love! Saving sex for marriage and that special person is an aspect of love. EVEN FOR MEN!!! A man who sleeps around is just as much a sleaze as a woman who sleeps around. Don’t fool yourself with double standards.
14. As time passes in any relationship, it won’t be sex or intelligence or glamour that keeps the relationship alive, it will be tenderness.
15. This is very important. After you start dating someone exclusively do not, do not, do not, do not lose touch with your other friends, men or women. Keep the non-romantic friendships alive. This is for a number of reasons.
a) You may break up with this person, you will then need lots of friends for support. I’ve seen way too many couples start dating and then lose all contact with their old friends. Then they break up and they don’t have any friends any more. It is not only tragic, but not having any friends can decimate someone who is trying to recover from a heartache.
b) Your life will be so much more enriched with the more friends you have. Go on double dates or invite your single guy friends along for activities, have her invite her girlfriends etc. Keep in circulation.
c) No man or couple is an island.
16. In every serious one on one relationship discuss this with each other. A BREAKUP IS FOREVER! That means if you ever exclusively date someone and then break up, neither of you will never date each other again. Sounds harsh doesn’t it. Well let me elaborate. If you both agree that if you ever breakup it will be it forever, you will treat breakups a lot more seriously. If you break up there’ll be no more chances for either of you. And the important reason which you both should understand is this: If I realize how serious a breakup is, I will not treat it lightly. If I ever get really mad at the other person I have to be willing to try and work out the problem mutually without resorting to breaking up. A breakup is not a solution, it means you have given up trying to solve the problem. It is not a solution. If you two can’t work out any problems within the relationship then don’t think about getting back together ever.
The only exception to the rule is if the reason you broke up for has been completely solved (and I do mean completely, so don’t be a yo-yo head and rationalize it away). Too many people breakup because they can’t handle something, and then a few months later they get back together. Was the reason they broke up solved? No, they just felt lonely. Eventually they will break up again or worse they will get married and then since the problem still exists, it will intensify.
17. Marriage is not the solution to any interrelationship problem. Too many times I see couples getting married because they feel that that will solve their problems. No! Marriage intensifies any and all problems. If the way she laughs bugs you, once you are married it’ll get worse. Before you were married you only had to deal with it 3 hours a day. Now that you are married you’ll have to deal with it 24 hours a day. It doesn’t get better. You only get married if you are convinced that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with AND you are willing to accept all the bad things exactly the way they are. If you want to fool around once you are married, do yourself and your future children a favor, stay single. Breaking up families is so destructive to kids that most of them carry that with them the rest of their lives, and sadly most parents never realize that. If you want to fool around stay single. Don’t ruin somebody else’s life.
18. Remember this and be very careful: Emotionally, you never have an ex-girlfriend, until you have a new girlfriend.
19. Don’t play the yo-yo game. There’s been too many times when I’ve seen couples totally decimate each other by being in a destructive relationship. Here’s the scenario, see if it is true. I’ll use the guy as the example, but it could work either way.
Guy meets gal, gal likes guy and finally gets him. They date. But after dating a few months the gal realizes that something is missing, or the guy wants to get too serious or whatever. So she says, that they should break it up. The guy is shattered as they break up. But he misses her terribly, because now there is a “hole” in his life shaped exactly like her. And only she can fit it perfectly. Funnily enough she misses him too, for the same reasons, there’s a hole in her life and only he fits it. Of course he doesn’t fill all the holes in her life and that’s why they broke up in the first place. She wanted/needed more.
Usually he’s mad at her for a bit and that keeps him away from her for a while. But then they accidentally meet, or one of them decides to talk it out, just to clear up the misunderstandings and they decide to be “just friends.” After all they used to be “best friends.” Well, that’s all well and good, but guess what, it is so normal to kiss each other because that is what they used to do, that eventually these “friends” end up kissing each other. Now, she’s telling herself “he’s old enough to know that we are just friends” and at first he tells himself that they are just friends, but after a while the mind doesn’t listen to the words, it starts listening to the heart and the actions. He starts thinking that they are an “item” again, simply because they are kissing or just plain sharing intimate talks and feelings.
So now she starts feeling the same pressures she did before and she “breaks” up with him again. Of course, technically they may not have been going out in the first place, but they were sure acting like it. But the pain is still there. This time round the guy is twice as hurt. But is it really her fault? In a way I think it is. But it is also the guy’s fault because he should have seen it coming. But hope springs eternal, and guess what, it sometimes happens a third time. This time the guy might even go into it with his eyes wide open saying “she’s not going to hurt me this time.” But the heart knows no logic and hope springs eternal. And your heart thinks you are dating exclusively again and that she’s finally yours. Then finally she dumps you again, because she never planned on dating you exclusively, you’re just “friends” remember.
The third time you get dumped it amazingly gets worse, not easier. The depression is twice as bad, the sense of betrayal is three times as bad.
This is a destructive yo-yo relationship. How do I know? I’ve watched it happen many many times to my friends and yes, it’s happened to me. But what is worse is I unknowingly started to do it to a girl friend of mine. That is something I will always regret, fortunately I realized what I was doing before I hurt her the second time. (Treat every kiss as a promise and you’ll never do it to others).
The thing to remember is, when you break up with someone, you cannot go back to being their “close” friend for a very long time. You have to be an acquaintance for a while (could be 3-8 months). Do not fool yourself. Remember that hole shaped like her in your life? Well the only way you will recover is for the edges of that hole to become fuzzy and that hole to heal up. It heals up by you replacing her with activities, new friends, new habits, exercising, keeping busy, new women friends, and going on many many casual dates with old and new friends.
But every time you see or spend time with your old girlfriend, guess what? The hole gets cut open again and you are back to all the pain when she’s gone. Don’t play the yo-yo game, your heart is too delicate a thing to be playing games with. I’ve seen too many people build too many walls around their heart as a protection from someone playing games with it. Don’t let that happen to you. The biggest loser will be you, but what is worse, the second biggest loser will be that wonderful person that you eventually marry. Don’t plan to lose. Avoid destructive yo yo relationships. A breakup should be forever.
19. Never date a girl Seriously or Steadily unless she could be a Mate (this is the second part of Don’t Date Casually for a Mate rule that we introduced in the last section). Let me rephrase that: Never date seriously EXCEPT for a Mate. In other words, never exclusively date a girl whom you couldn’t marry. Casually date lots of girls. Exclusively date ONLY potential mates. And if you are dating someone exclusively and you find a reason why you couldn’t get married that you can’t solve. Break UP! Otherwise you’ll end up falling in love with someone you can’t live with. Trust me, regardless of what the singers and songwriter’s say, love is not enough and if marry someone just because you are in love with them, the odds are that you are doomed to a miserable divorce. Sure you may be able to beat the odds. But when have you been lucky before?
Yes, it’s true. Love IS NOT Enough. Don’t fool yourself and think that Love is Enough. I say this from experience. Painful experience. Two people can fall in love with each other if they spend enough time with each other. But that is not sufficient. You must have similar dreams, similar desires, you must be compatible. Otherwise you may be in love with each other and frustrate each other to hell. One or both people could end up being miserable if you are not careful. For example, your goal in life may be to live in Silicon Valley and start your own company, but if her goal in life is to live in Colorado and raise horses, LOVE will not be enough. Because someone will have to give up their dream (if not both of you). That’s not to say that it can’t happen, but 10 years from now, are you willing to take that chance that you are not going to be frustrated and unfulfilled because one of you gave up their dream for their partner. Don’t fool yourself. The worst thing in life is to be a 50 year old man or woman who’s hates the fact that he or she had to give up his or her dream. Find a woman who shares your dreams and be giddily happy.
20. But those are all the bad aspects of a relationship, let’s look at a final word on the good healthy aspects. Always treat your lady like a flower, watering, feeding, nourishing and cherishing her, and you will never ever regret it. When you get married remember: If “Mom” isn’t happy, nobody is happy.
And always remember in the end only tenderness lasts.
Do you see why a girl has never said no to me when I have asked her out on a date? It’s certainly not because I’m some sort of Cassanova Model. Do you see why there is never any tension involved? Can you see yourself doing all this? Stop and imagine it. By always being comfortable with the girl and her being comfortable with you, you never run the risk of being rejected. You never run the risk of being turned down. You never run the risk of being scared. It is easy and simple. It is straight forward, and once you’ve applied all these principles, you should be well on your way to a comfortable social life. In most situations I have many girls who are friends, many gals whom I can hug without any worry. Many gals who would willingly spend a fun evening with me. Many women who are comfortable with me. But it wasn’t that way before. The only difference between then and now is the knowledge I have put down in this paper. My body didn’t change, my features didn’t change. This knowledge changed my clothes and changed my attitude and most importantly changed my focus. And it can do that for you. Go succeed!
If this paper or anything I’ve said helps you in anyway, please do consider emailing me and letting me know.
Here is one of the greatest influences in my life. I try to read it at least once a year to remind me of what I want to be someday.
THE LITTLE OLD MAN
You’re going to meet an old man someday! Down the road ahead–ten, thirty, forty, fifty years–waiting there for you. You’ll be catching up with him.
What kind of an old man are you going to meet? That’s a rather significant question.
He may be a seasoned, soft, gracious fellow–a gentleman that has grown old gracefully–surrounded by hosts of friends . . . . friends who call him blessed, because of what his life has meant to them.
He may be a bitter, disillusioned, dried-up, cynical old buzzard–without a good word for anyone–soured, friendless and alone.
The kind of an old man you will meet depends entirely on yourself. Because that old man will be you. He’ll be the composite of everything you say, think and do–today, tomorrow. His mind will be set in a mold you have made by your attitudes. His heart will be turning out what you have been putting in.
Every little thought–every deed goes into this old man. He’ll be exactly what you make him–nothing more–nothing less. It is up to you. You’ll have no one else to credit or blame.
Every day in every way you are becoming more and more like yourself. Amazing–but true! You’re getting to look more like yourself–think more like yourself–talk more like yourself. You’re becoming yourself more and more.
Live only in terms of what you’re getting out of life, respond to pain by building walls–the old man gets smaller, drier, harder, crabbier, more self-centered.
Live for God, use your pain to grow, open your life to others, think in terms of what you can give, your contribution to life, –the old man grows larger, softer, kindlier, greater.
A point to remember is that these things don’t always tell immediately. But they’ll show up sooner than you think. These little things–so unimportant now-attitudes, goals, ambitions, …..desires–they’re adding up inside–where you can’t see them. . . crystallizing in your heart and mind. Someday they’ll harden into that old man–nothing will be able to soften or change them.
The time to take care of that old man is right now–today, this week, tonight. Examine his motives, attitudes, goals. Check up on him. Work him over while he’s still plastic–still in a formative condition. For day comes awfully soon when it’s too late. The hardness set in–worse than paralysis–character crystallizes, sets, jells. That’s the finish.
Any wise businessman takes inventory regularly. His merchandise isn’t half as important as he is. Better take a bit of personal inventory, too. We all need it and by keeping this check on yourself, you’ll be much more likely to meet a splendid, old fellow at the proper time–the fellow you’d like to be.
Original Author Unknown
“Do not be deceived; God is not mocked, for whatever a man sows, that will he also reap”